New Years Reso's

1. Join a social/pleasure group

2. Take care of my mental health

3. Exercise

4. __________

6:59am Sunday

Ive did it, again. I've woken up before my alarm clock- it's a typical Sunday though. This time she's laying next to me. She's laying right here and my heart is [still] troubled. Maybe it was the Medium Hot Sauce from Del Taco.

I told her that I was scared that we were not going to make it. I told her that I was afraid that I could be wrong about us. Her response was that she takes it one day at a time and stays in the moment. She started by saying that she didn't know how to respond an that she was afraid that she would say the wrong thing- only thing is is that she didn't address my concerns. I wasn't consoled or reassured or anything. That's the part that has me concerned. That's the part that hurts. It's like there's no emotional connection or attachment. You'll have sex with me but manage to not console me.

My issue isn't with what she said, it's that she didn't address my concerns and obvious worries.

Scrimmage

Yesterday and today I practices the not engaging technique which I call a 'step back' approach and it works. I can see cleaner how she would pull me in and I would follow. But NO MA'AM it's not working now.

Fuck, I can SEE why I've been so emotionally exhausted. FUCK ME!! Whoa buddy. I'm chuckling at myself. I'm chuckling because I would be so furious and agitated after she has (what I'm choosing to call) a flare up. I'm laughing because I've been silly. I've take the normal approach but not one that's tailored for this type of situation- The passive Aggressive situation.

Wow, this is only day 2 but I can see. And the ahit feels good to see. Emotionally I feel good about it. I did think earlier, 'i don't know how long I will be able to be this way' but I will enjoy feeling good about our interaction.

In order to see these actions you have to sllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllow it all the way down. Being calm (not condescending) is certainly the way to go.

I'm grateful to all those articles that I've read and those peoples experiences. I hope that they've found happiness and their their loved ones are better and they are loving each other once again. I wish them lots of make peace and if possible, make up sex.

I'm settling for this bit of happiness that I feel now. I feel like I've just won a basketball game against myself.

PA support for...

Of all 25+ articles I've read this is a snippet of one I most like.


"...Here’s a big secret about this problem. Passive aggressive behavior is a very difficult challenge for couples. The passive aggressive person is a pain to live with and very hard to change.

Here’s why. Passive-aggressive people are typically hypersensitive to actual or perceived criticism. Especially when they don’t follow through with promises. Here’s the kicker. They have great gobs of good reasons for not following through with crucial agreements.

For example, I could blame my failure to complete agreements on ADD. Or I might say that I suffer from a condition of temporary and intermittent cognitive slippage (which is only a devious description of being lazy and forgetful).
This is a problem that affects both partners, but in different ways. The passive aggressive person generally feels they are under assault and no matter what they do, they cannot please their partner. “Jeez, I can’t even empty the dishwasher right!”

The other partner believes they cannot depend on the passive aggressive mate to reliably follow through. Even if I am 80% reliable, as I would sometimes point out to Ellyn, she has no idea what the 80% will be or when it will be completed. This screws up the logistical part of being an effective team which supports being an effective couple.

So what causes this aggravating problem that painfully affects both partners in different ways? Most passive aggressive folks have two things in common:

1. A highly critical parent or parents, resulting in a high sensitivity to being judged on performance.

2. A lot of painful disappointments in life. This results in a reflexive coping mechanism that severely restricts their hopes and desires in life. Minimizing desires is a subconscious attempt to avoid getting hopes up and then dashed which triggers a warehouse of painful disappointments stored in the emotional brain.

It becomes much easier for passive aggressive people to say what they don’t want than what they do want.
It’s like running life’s race with your shoelaces tied. But the frustration of living a life of pinched desires leaks out in being “obstructionistic” – to their spouse, therapist, boss, and anyone else that might have a say, or at least a suggestion, about what they should do.

“I don’t like anyone telling me what to do, including myself,” said Bill, who has a passive aggressive personality. This is not an easy mind-set for a spouse to live with.

All in all nobody is happy.

Passive aggressive behavior can show up in other subtle ways. Hard core passive aggressive people rarely initiate doing leisure joint activities, buying things, going places, celebrating special occasions, planning surprises, or giving compliments, and they often have a hard time buying gifts.

So what can you do? This is a complex question with no easy answer. The solutions to this problem are extremely hard to summarize with the clarity and brevity required for a newsletter column. Next month I’ll describe why passive aggressive behavior is a systemic problem and what both partners need to do. In the meantime, it should be some small comfort to understand some of the challenges and to recognize what you’re dealing with.

I don't let and don't let go because because... I don't to be without her, I've invested time & energy, I want it to work, I love her and won't find another her, may not have chemistry with someone, I may not look as good with someone else, I may miss out on something that I feel like 'that should be me. I made that initial investment, etc. I haven't left because there is potential as well as I still hope.

____Things I like about her____

She sees the value in our kids having role models in our own community.




_____We used to_____

Be a team (at times) no it so intermittent

We use to be happier

We used to laugh more
I used to generally feel like she was into me. All of her ambiguity has me doubting

I don't want to wake up 5 or 10 years from know in a marriage that I don't want to be in...

The crazy thing is that she's actually is in counseling but I still have this feeling- and not that I don't think it's going to work- well I doubt that a little bit but it's not that. I think the reason I still feel this way is because maybe it's too late for me.


___I Want___

I want to feel like I'm a part of something
I want to feel like I'm on a team
I want to feel like she is on my team
I want to feel wanted, needed and desires
I want to feel special, like her love interest
I want to feel like her girlfriend
I want to feel respected
I want to feel cared for
I want to feel important
I want to feel adored

I want to feel like she knows I'm worth it and will go the distance for me.

I was reassurance especially after all her ambiguity.

She says things like she wants to run away and relocate etc... And she wants me to go with her. Out of all the things I feel and frustration I have with her I know those words of hers to be true. Only now that I can say that there's something about me she trust that she would want to take me with her and that she would move with me to another state... But let's focus on her.

When she says those things that clues me in to how she feels about me .

You

Being able to communicate shows me growth... I want chocolate cake and neopolitan ice cream.

So, she invites me over

I think I realize that what I thought marriage would be isn't what it actually is or will be- could be. Or maybe this is all depending on the person that you're married too.

I don't know if I want to be married. I think it partially my realization is that it's just too difficult and the other is that I don't want to be this exhausted while in a marriage- but maybe that's a feeling that comes up no matter who you marry.

My only goal is to have the healthiest marriage as superbly possible.

I know all couples go through a rough patch- is this a rough patch. If Tha is a patch...

Christmas 2012 @ 2:02am

It kind of sucks bringing in the holidays alone, even though I'm actually IN a relationship... Hmmmm. This feeling just keeps on getting interesting.

But, I won't say shit- I didn't last year and I won't this year. However this will be my last time starting off the holidays (Thanksgiving & Christmas & New Year) this way.

All the extra effort that I put into others happy, I will put into making ME happy. I already know that this means I will do lots of things alone but I'll be fine. I can't wait on her- just like my birthday, I have to ensure my own happiness. If she doesn't like it then she will step up. If not, I will step in a new direction.

Lots of disappointments but we'll see.

I'm tired of being alone and feeling left behind with her. I know she has issues but I also have needs and emotions. I've given a lot of time and invested a lot of energy- good, genuine, and pretty healthy energy. I hope she steps up before someone else does.

I guess she is in jeopardy of loosing me. Damn, this is a shitty feeling. :(

Merry Christmas 2012 (2:11am PST)

Obnoxious into genuine thought... Back to anger. Raw

I know I have the fucking option to walk. I just may. You can't even tell me how you feel. You're so emotionally stubborn and yet not at all in tuned to your own feelings... Maybe I need someone different. Maybe you need someone that's going to allow you to just run over them and remain the same.

You don't know how you feel to be honest with me so how can and why should I believe anything that you and have said?

You've master blaming me for your own disappointments and are well versed in creating confusion. I don't know that I can believe you- your emotions. You make superb excuses for yourself and make the finest rules for your own escape of personal responsibility. I gotta give it to you... If you were just some chick I was fucking I wouldn't give a real-emotional-fuck. Are you even worth me going through this journey with you? Seriously. I'm sure that read a little fucked up but I'm serious. Are you?

Yea, I would want someone to be there for me (maybe) but what makes you worth it? You've been difficult to work with on issues. The more I type this the more sincere I am.

But you're too proud to communicate this type of feeling(s) because you think it's begging vs brig emotionally honest with yourself and me.

Sweet lord...

Honestly;

I'm really fucking hurt by the things you've said and how you've treated me. It's hard for me tongue you anything extra. You can't even admit to me how your actions must have made me feel. TO ME that's you still avoiding. That's the part that I honestly fucking struggle with. That makes me feel like I'm just among everything else ... Just there. No value, the way you are with other things i assume.

I've been there for others that have hurt me and you've done and are know asking- actually maybe your'e not asking.

80-20 rule... Cause damage and give no fucks... This is where I become bitter and start terrorizing. This is why I don't get close to hitches. My rage is compounded. FUCK YOU BITCH!

I don't knowing I want to ease my time being angry at this bitch.



One day I hope you see just what it is to be the other person on this chronic passive-aggressive coin. There's no need of me waiting my breath because you can't understand it yet. Ah well.

Back to what I was doing...

Part on my struggle with the holidays has been my relationship you K.

Why do I stay?

I haven't been wanting to stay & now that she's in therapy, especially now I don't really don't think I can or want to. It is too late for me and if she's not willing to acknowledge how she's created, manipulate, try's to silently control our relationship I simply can not do it.

If you can't see to want extent you've hurt me or give some sort of clue, I simply can not do it.

My feelings and character are hurt. I certainly did have this baggage ( at least not most of it and not this intense) until this extent.

I used to feel so kind-hearted and optimistic in general- but I don't know I feel like she's dumped her toxicity in my lap or at least on my good shoes... I need some major space from her or I'm going to break her confidence and heart and the new me doesn't want to do that but the hold me, which may have become the protective me, wants tears, heartache and revenge.

I feel like while I'm taking space I should fuck somebody else... But that's me being passive like her... I want to be around but I need a new life and start with her not in it - at least for a while. Yea, I have anger and aggression to let off.

I resent her for being so mean to me and flipping things on me.

I'm angry with myself because I was willing to bend for her.

She triggers the violent side of me...

She only cares for herself. She's been that way and know that she's going to therapy I'm disposed to be compliant.

I really do resent for being deceitful, manipulative, always to accuse, and always attempting to be controlling. You've been on a war path and you've damaged this relationship and parts of me in your own personal crossfire. You've brought a windstorm of unnecessary chaos into this relationship. I'm having a extremely hard time with giving you any part of me. I don't feel that you're deserving. Good for you that you've started to get some help but you been reeking havoc and raising hell for a while.

Let me clarify, not 100% of the time but in the high 80's for a while. This dynamic is sparked when you're upset, you lack understanding, feel threatened, resent your own choices, become angry with yourself for the choice that you've made, your personal disappointment, feelings of inadicuacy, etc. And you've been feeling a lot of these emotions for a WHILE so know that you've brought all that into the relationship wether you've realized it or not or think that you've been trying not to. This is how you've done it...

It happens frequently and that has me emotionally exhausting. This is also part of my underlined mental block in the bedroom which you started being passively controlling in that area a bit. I can't relax to cum because you're silently hostile with yourself because you feel disappointed with your weight and me (naturally) wanting sex reminds you of your disappointment with yourself and you began to secretly feel resentful towards me and indirectly punish me for wanting it. That is the same set-up/catch 22 as you telling me that I don't get you & I'm missing all the signs because I'm so self absorbed then when I ask how are you feeling today or what's wrong you lash out and tell me stop asking because it reminds you of what's wrong. And I respond by saying you're being confusing and are always ( appear) to be mad with me. That cycle as been eating away at my optimism.

I just want you to be aware and acknowledge that that's been hurting me and causing confusion. I don't want to punish you for being this way. I just want some TLC instead and for us move forward with our lives together.

Renigg- as in Spades

I've read over some old emails of me expressing myself to her....

Maybe she's right- maybe it is too late. I think that is quite true. There is a part of me that feel like she's TOO fucking late her realizing she's had and has a problem. There is a side of me that is worn out and emotionally exhausted. And there is a side of me that wants this to work out.

Maybe one side of me is right and the other is wrong. Maybe neither side is right.

What I want is some real understanding and a heartfelt apology. I want her to recognize to how's she's been toward me. I feel like she wants more of me but haven't recognized that I've BEEN there for her and have been give and understanding while she was bring difficult. SHE's just BEEN ACTING OUT... Where's the validation & self-accountability in that???

Am I wasting my time if I stay? An I hurting myself at this point?

Hey, if I can run into one cute woman, with cool sisters and is smart u can run run into another. I'm likable- maybe her dog will like me too. Or maybe I'll be single for a looooooooooooong time or just not comit and just have "friends" again.

I need simple and not complicated. I would pyobably be on a war path and break hearts. I know me. I'm angry and hurt and I am close to being in my 'fuck a bitch' tip.

Ice cold.

I ain't been that way in years but I want to regress to being that way again. I'm feeling destructive. I feel like I told Marlena... Ice cold.

Maybe this is the return of Top Dolla!

Might As Well

I need someone that's supportive AND not going to give me a hard time.

I need someone that's going to give me emotional support and that understands how they feel. I need a woman that's going to be good and nurturing to me and not someone that's going to change mid relationship on me.

I want to be with someone that's appreciative of me. Someone that isn't always looking out for me to hurt her, doesn't always test me, is patient and someone that is naturally a giver. I want a love that's going to make room for me and make me feel welcomed and loved- the way I want and deserve to be loved and understood. Someone that can communicate so I know what the fuck is going on. Someone that's going to value my presence in their life.

I want a woman that's beautiful, responsible, super intelligent, community oriented, loving, nurturing, strong, owns her autonomy, and works in a career that she loves/or completing and has beautiful hair. I want a woman that's willing to express her feelings with me and is solution oriented and a woman that knows that compromise doesn't take away from her strength- a woman that gets the bigger picture. A woman that's willing to go the distance for me because she's sees that I'm worth it. A woman that says sweet and just because things for me. A woman that doesn't have sexual reservations, a woman that absolutely adores me. That's the kind of woman that I want.

No someone that's going to laugh at me. Why is love so hard to find??

Fuck, I'd rather be single the way I was in New York & Boston. Might as well since I'm always saying something wrong, not doin the right thing, always managing, I don't get her, I don't get it, too needy, long winded, too sensitive, etc.

She's such a Dbag!

"I'm not sorry"... Sounds like a emotional fucking robot. Ol' controlling ass. I'd rather be with someone that's willing.

Sunshine from the part#2

I could totally be supportive but there has to be a serious change in her COMMUNICATION. There are other areas I can bend on but communication, I can not budge on that. That is our lifeline. If one tanks, we both tank.

If we love each other the way that we say we do (in spite of our individual challenges) then we've got work to do in order to be a team and family.

You have to teach me by communicating with me & I also need you to validate


Communicate your needs
Communicate your fear
Communicate your victories
Communicate your desires
Communicate your sadness

I'm here; Always have but I grow weary when you don't communicate with me.. You've expected from me as if you've communicated your needs. I want to give you what I think you want from me but I can't without you meeting me half way. I need to know that it/you is/are safe.

Tympani Stress

I woke up today from a dream that I was playing Tympanis. I miss playing.

All of the stress that I'm under is weighing me down; trying to remain/ maintain in my relationship with K, my nephew, career, family, personal feelings/struggles.

I don't have a outlet.

And because I don't I want to trim the fat in my life.

I'm just on overload.

This stress is triggering my anxiety. I need immediate relief but I don't see it coming anytime soon.

I can't seem to get what I need in any area of my life... I've even adjusted my expectations. The same way I don't want to be around my family is the way that I've been avoiding her, even in my heart. When she and I are doing good or okay I feel better. I feel like I can get to the next day. So, yea, my relationship isn't all bad- there's some good in it.

I'm tired of being stressed and the random tears of frustration. I just need some TLC but I don't have any place to get it.

Sunshine from the inside but cold when you're outside

It's taken me thiiiiis long to figure out what exactly the problem is and now that I know... I'm no longer interested. Not the way I uses to be. I go the distance until I can't anymore. Hopefully I will only need a break.

__Steps__
1. Know
2. Accepting
3. Apology/Grief
4. Integration

I don't know that I have the patience to wait and see especially if I'm still getting nothing.

( here come the tears). I've been a fool again. I'm upset with myself. I don't have anymore energy to give. I need someone to give me, invest in me.

My concern with going forward with this is that I won't have anythings left for me. I give some much attention and effort to [ ] that I don't give enough to myself.

I really don't know.

I always want everything to workout but maybe I have to learn how to be okay with things not being okay AND letting go.

If someone wants to hold on to someone or a object they will put forth the muscle to do so.

Get in one single line "no boxes" edition

Religion was used as a form to control. Everybody was to to be subjected to one law.

I've adopted Love as my religion. I take my example from people who loved. To love someone is a reflection of self. How you love someone is also a reflection of where you are in your life.

How do you love?

HOW YOU LOVE SOMEONE TELLS THE TRUTH OF YOUR CHARACTER. It doesn't matter I'd you're quiet or loud... Love has it's own unique volume.

I love others the way I want them to love me back. That is a reflection. I'm open to other ways of love but I only ask that I am actively taught. I welcome it... But...
.
.
The thing about love is that it requires our very best. Love is a weight. Essential but nonetheless a weight. Just like a good fat our body needs... So is love. The hardest part is getting ourselves out of the way and letting Love be it's pure self.


I sometimes struggle with the lessons.

Good Day Lt.

They are both passive aggressive. By not responding is their way of controlling.

I'm stronger because of knowledge. Good or bad- I aim to be true at heart; loving, giving, pushing towards trust and stubborn.

Cha-Ching || A Unique Problem

The first thing I'm going to do is eat a good meal alone. I'm going to enjoy every moments of it. I picture that as being a vacation.

I don't think of vacations the way that people that are used to having a abundance. Internally, I don't think that poor people should have a vacation- better yet let me speak for myself... I'm not use to having a abundance. I'm used to having the bare minimum and wanting the extra/other stuff. Also my thinking is money is hard to come by so why spend it? Why be careless? To be spending money just to spend it is careless especially when you can pay your bills for a while or help other people.

I think maybe I would feel guilty being rich. I'd feel overwhelmed. I'd feel overwhelmed with ways I can help others, feeling like I shouldn't... I'm afraid of changing. I'm afraid that I'll change and take people and things in my life for granted. I'm afraid of not being appreciative. I'm afraid that I will turn into to the people that I see and hear about. I like me the way that I am... But I would also be lying if I avoided the grate ideas inside of me... I (almost 90%) know that if I move forward with these ideas I will prosper and succeed. I also know (d/ think) that it would bring me monetary success as well and that's scary to me. I mean really scary. This is such a double-edges sword because I feel the tug to do great but I also feel the anticipation of being great. If I grew up with money and [what I now know] stability [ to be] I wouldn't have this struggle.

Maybe this is the Bear Hunt that Janine was talking about...

"...what happens when you see the bear? You go back home and get in the bed."

She was wise. She understood me. She understood me because she was willing to understand me and not judge me. I really miss her. I wish she was near so I could give her a hug and cry and say thank you. I also have more to my journey...

Success is a unique problem. A unique problem.

Nagging || House Of Love|| what's for breakfast

I have that nagging feeling in my gut AGAIN. It's my Red Flag system.

My dream hit on what I wrote about and how I feel.

I need more patience, awareness, validation, empathy, and more expression.

How am I?

The same nonchalant attitude and critique she gets from her family she gives to me. The more I'm around her and her dad I see it. It bothers me. Her family is tiring and emotionally draining. Most of everyone is tense and wound up- all the time it seems. That is the complete opposite of me. I guess that's partially why I feel emotionally tired. My family ( the selected few I'm around) we are NOT like that. KD is just like them. It's almost like she hasn't formed her own identity apart from them. How can she have a life with me when she's so entangled with them? How can we live together when she is still leaning on them and their opinions of her and looking to them for her emotional cues.

I don't want to live with her family. I want to live with her ( the person I hope (to god) she is.

She said that Che gets 'all my family' but I've started realizing that the things she accuses me of are usually projections of her own insecurities.

This relation is a emotional workout. I keep looking for a vacation but I'm not sure I'll get one- ever. Is this what the nagging in my stomach is about?

The way her dad treats her, her feelings, opinions, and concerns is the way she tries to treat me but I don't go for that shit. But the fact that I don't is why I'm tired of her. It's the reason that I find her to be difficult and a hand-full.

Where is she in all that? Will it be worth the wait? This is why I stand where I am. Personally, it's a lot for me and I have to emotionally take care of myself do I'm able to operate and function for the things on my side and in my life.

What keeps me in the relationship? Love. It's just that simple. When or if I feel like it's time to call it quits there will always be a door for us to restart the magic that I feel certainly we have.

I just may need a break.

I'm serious when I say that I don't want her to be intertwined with her family if we were to live together and marry, I am DEAD ass serious. In fact, if I don't feel different and see a difference I wouldn't live with or marry her- just as she wouldn't be able to deal with me if I was entangled in my family. Her autonomy has to come first. I need to know that she can have my back and won't forsake me. I want her to be strong for her ( first) and for us. US is big but I'm holding to my gun. I want individual Tx as well as couples Tx so we enter into a beautiful US the way we would a brand new house.

I hope she comes out of all this a new and beautiful KD. I hope my true-better-half is under there. I can't wish but I hope that faint words of my village members are correct and stand true about her.

To a better us!

Cheers.

Let's eat

Études & Refrains

There will always be hills and valleys.

Return/investment

Chocolate

Music

Reminders

How do you know?

Opportunity cost/Sunk cost

Isolation

Emotional intelligence

Scattered pieces of yesterday

Scattered pieces of yesterdays

Space

Love

I knew I risked going in

I hope it is worth it.

Certainty

Uncertainty

Binary

Spectrum

I remember.

Rest

Life can be so full of quarter notes and constant syncopation. Last night was a whole note for a 20 bar refrain in allegro.

When is the rest coming.

What time signature are we in?

Where is the coda?

____________|\___|\/\___*

I'm not interested in saying anything else.

I'm choosing not to care.

I withdraw.

I don't want to share my life with her or anyone.

I will remain alone.

Buying music is what I now choose.

But it probably wouldn't choose me back.

I have to keep quiet from you because you use my words against me.

I'd rather just not be bothered.

I'm choosing not to be a part of anything.

I'm not going Saturday.

Who cares about context.

All pointless.

Read this. Cum on this. I'm sure you will share it.

I waste my breath.

Who cares anyway.

I should have chose this a long time ago.

Nothing.

I choose not to be supportive.
Travel alone. Without me.

I'm stupid for even considering the idea... Once again, silly me. The code is that__________

I won't be sharing that here.


- - -

The worst things; confusing my intentions for control (me being sweet died tonight) and betraying me. I've said nothing different that I haven't already said before about my family or work- absolutely nothing. funny thing is- i was told by you that I share my problems with people but now you want me to share with you- you've done damage and don't even know but want things to work differently to accommodate you and your process. Not only have I quit, I don't trust.

You've taken a lot of shit out on me and ALWAYS have- from my apartment, event tickets, blasting me on social media, being malicious, telling me fuck u, leaving me, event dismissal, saying u want to hurt me, blaming me for your test scores, constantly testing my affection for you, etc. THAT IS A LOT! You want to hear about my family and other areas of my life but you can't deal with us. You can't even say sorry without minimizing your actions. Sorry followed by a but isn't a apology at all. You've come out from the very beginning swinging daggers at me. You assumed I was like 'them'. Anyone in their right mind could see how this could be tiring and frustrating. You don't apologize because you don't want to deal with being wrong. Everything is a debate, discussion, argument with you. You can't be told anything and you can't be the person that's wrong. You're so sensitive that me saying "Stop. Red light" made your tone rude with me. That sure doesn't leave any room for anything else. I AM NOT trying to fucking control you.i am not THEM, HIM, HER, etc.

I've been pushed on topics tonight. None of which I said was different. I shared them them in a angry tone because they were asked after me being told I was arrogant, unappreciative, rude and five other things. I'm still not capable of saying or doing anything right by you. The only thing you DO NOT debate me about is giving you head. Yeap! That's the only thing so imagine how that makes me feel. Truthfully I'm even surprised that you think I do that right. I know my intentions. I trust myself because I honest with me first and I make sure that I always keep you in mind, even when I can't afford to and when I don't have the means to. Cut me some fucking slack!

You talk about poking a finger in a womb- that's exactly what you did to me. When I tried to share on my own (about a topic that's genuinely hard for me) at dinner you over talked me and poked fun at it. I'm just tired. I've been honest with you even when I've secretly been embarrassed or feel shame. I genuinely thought we were making progress but after tonight and you telling me that I'm not being honest I'm not sure. Maybe you're the one that's holding back with me- tonights conversation blindsided me. IDK. Don't worry about sharing anything else in your life with me. Don't worry about doing any emotional work for an us. It's no longer necessary.

I'm hurt.

I'm cool.


Thanks

2 Incomplete

Summer may be over
But my love for u will never fade
Kissing your lips

---

I wake up every morning when you're not here
I says thank you'd and wipe a single year

The morning seems long
And longer seems the night
Only three more months
I sure miss our Friday nights

I hold you I hold you near
I miss your cold feet
Your hands in my hair
Hold me, hold me, hold me

NMS (ASCAP)

Too upset to travel

I'm upset. I'm upset that I'm not safe to travel the globe with my partner.

The thought of these places are triggering my anxiety. I know that she doesn't want to go to what she call 'a regular place' that we can go to all the time' but I want to be comfortable. I can't blend in like her. I'm also concerned that she is so beautiful that it will attract attention to us and me who already doesn't blend in. I can't jeopardize my safety. I've been there, done that and I don't want the tshirt. There isn't a day that goes by that i don't think about my personal safety. I want to feel safe and comfortable. The times that we've traveled I get looks all the time. We get looks all the time. I get people starring at me. She doesn't see it or just doesn't care but I'm not like her. I don't just shut my mind off to things.

My comfort is the most important thing to me. Her safety is also just as important. I don't want to be on a vacation or Honeymoon and something happens to her- I'd just fall to pieces.

Yes, a part of me is fearful but I don't want to have to be brave on my Honeymoon. I want to be relaxed, feel in love and enjoy the freedom of expressing myself to and with her sexually. After all it would be a honeymoon and that's most of what couples do.