Bump in the night- again

I don't know how to love

I was wanting to type ' I don't know how to move past this" but the above line came out... Particularly the word 'love'.

Maybe it's just a typo. Maybe it's a Freudian slip. Or Maybe there's some truth to it.

I'm concerned about my heart- and particularly her ability to see that she reinjures a womb that she's has caused. Her ability to see. Her ability to feel is alarming. She trigger my flags and alarms. Part of me wants to flee, take space and break up for a while- maybe longer/ indefinite and the other part wants to stay but isn't sure how this is going to play out.

I feel about this relationship the way I feel about wanting kids- slightly.

I now doubt in a way that I didn't doubt before. I guess it was fantasy vs reality... What I wanted vs what i have/ what's before me.

All the back and forth is just a lot for me. I'm not use to and I'm not okay with there being so much tension. I feel like I've done so much emotional work for myself and have come through so many valleys that I just don't want to have to go through it all over again. Not to that extent. It's just a lot and it's a lot of time and work and I just don't know. Maybe this is like me not having a kid... I'd like a baby. I would also like a wife but it's a lot of work and it feels like a burden and not a joy. It feels draining- it can be draining.

I've been through a LOT of heavy shit in life and I just want something to be easy. I'm looking for the least amount of added stress as possible. Maybe I'll be alone. I don't want to- I don't want to feel empty but I also don't want to sacrifice my own happiness and comfort- at least motto the point of this. Having a passive-aggressive partner is very difficult.

I often think about the ideal or how things used to be. When I'm with her I feel one way. When I'm alone- especially after we've had tension between us I start feeling tired and not wanting to be with her all over again. A LOT has to do with her not being emotionally available. I'm also not able to teach her what it is that I need.

I'm also anticipating stress with the MCAT thing AGAIN. Her blaming me the first time has set a system in my mind. It's just been one thing after another. We can't go 3 months without arguing or her pushing my buttons. Fuck, I'll settle for 60 days.

Ambulance, emotional distance & Janine

It's 347 am and the ambulance just left. They took Branson to the hospital. Syl Sr. woke me and said call 911 he's sick. His BP was 101/170, sever abdominal pain, throwing up, and crying.

How I feel toward my family is normal for someone that's gone through the stuff I have with them. I care that they are okay but that's really all I have to give. I don't get too emotionally invested in them or too close to them. If you know me then you know how genuinely loving and caging I am. So, in order for me to say that it must be something sever and damaging. Me remaining where I am emotionally keeps me emotionally safe. I think that Janine would tell me that staying safe is the healthy thing to do. I can't change them, I can only change me.

Man, I wish she was around so that I could talk to her.

I really do miss my sessions with her.

2013- Self preservation

I don't like people. I would rather be alone. I should be a computer programmer. The data is black & white. No more of being a dumping cesspool of people's bullshit. I'll deflect the bullshit right back on them. I won't invest emotionally.

My priority is putting me first. THEY always seem to put them first.


2013 - a year a self preservation & priority.

I had a dream that k and I got married. In my dream I was happy in my heart and I was happy with her and just plain ol happy to be married. I spent time at the bar