3/28 TRUE ELEGANCE/I'M GREATFUL

3/28
TRUE ELEGANCE/I'M GRATEFUL by. Nicole Suell


I'm coming into SEASON 2 of me being back in Los Angeles after being in Boston/NYC for 7 and-a-half YEARS. Its been a journey. From helping my mother FIGHT BRAIN CANCER, understanding difficult family dynamics, supporting someone other and me, dealing with stress of becoming my mothers' parent. I'm starting to SEE + emotionally-Understand that at the CORE of who I am I' dope and a amazing person. It's always a MAJOR fight for me to see this in myself but I have some wonderful Co-Workers (Crescendo) and friends that INVEST in me. That's BEAUTIFUL.



I just got a new Film gig and I'm nervous about leaving my students...All 220 of them. Those kids deserve SO Much and I'm sad that I will no longer be there to give them my share of it. They mean so much to me.



I wish that I could COLLECT all the kids that I've had a chance to INVEST in and buy us a house so that we could form OUR family and learn the beauty of INVESTING IN EACHOHTER with LOVE, Understanding, GRACE, HUGS, TEARS, TRUST and PATIENCE.

False Start

I had ever intent on writing this blog about my wonderful job interview for a film job and this incredible documentary that I just saw on HBO about children with Autism. I was going to write about my past job doing behavioral therapy in Boston, MA [ http://www.jbcc.harvard.edu/programs/manville.htm ] or me Lead Teaching at CAP (Children's AIDS Program) http://www.BMC.org/Spark but I cant.

I just see Eron's face on my desk, next to my laptop in obituary form. I feel chaos on the inside of my brain and heart. My mind continues the same action.

I'm still not over his death.

I guess calling me *Jeremiah is fitting.

I just can't let go of him or find peace with his death.

He's was such a VERY important kid to my ministry and now he's gone.

He IS such a very important kid to my ministry and he's NOT even here.

Projections pt. 1

You don't know me but you seem to think that you do.

Your reaction(s) to my "odd" behavior is ever so telling of your inability to

communicate your fears to others and quite possibly, yourself. When you see me not

talking, being apart of your life the way that you think I should, I on the other

hand think that when you see/hear me grieve and mourn and your unconscious and

subconscious recognizes You in my experience. You project on to me your

internal-parent that says, "you should not mourn/grieve that way". How do

i know this? Simply, because of your choice of words and your actions.


But I charge you to deal with, express and confront your internal-parent that chokes and

suffocates you of your ability to feel, grieve, cry and unmask your bandage wounds.


I charge you to discover yourself. And when you do I

encourage your to embrace yourself the way I am

embracing me. And when you are done embracing

yourself I will will be there holding out my arms.

get LUCKY!

To My Special Someone:

WE should go bowling at Lucky Strikes

so you can make googly eyes at me again...

so i can buy you a drink again.

so i can make you laugh again.


We should go to that Denny's so i can almost piss myself again.


We should listen to 'Touch' so you can touch me again.


I want to erase your number from my phone just so you can put it in again (the way you did the night i met you).

I like bowling...

and...

I like being with you too.


:)

Weekend Checklist

I so effin happy that tomorrow is Friday.

My Weekend CHECK LIST

1. Take a Long bath

2. Practice Flam-a-diddles

3. Update Resume

4. Read from all four book that I reading at the same time.

5. Complete Suduko

6. Chant

7. Laugh until my stomach hurts.

Why the name ART JUNKiE?

Today a friend send sent me a email saying  "I'm glad you're addicted to Art...P.S. You are amazing. So, so, so amazing." It totally made me want to blog about my NEW myspace name. Why blog about it when others changes their every few days? WELL, when I was seeing Janine (my tx.'s in Boston) ART projects were often my homework from out sessions. ART was the only way that I could express feelings that would trigger my Rage attacks and Anger fits or my Dissociative Episodes. (YES ME.) Even though I don't usually have a hard time articulating myself there are times that I'm on the verge and Art really is the ONLY thing I can turn to for anonymous understanding. Yes ART, not even my friends. Those from Boston and other countries included.)

The past few month have just been one anxiety-provoking event after another. From Eron's  death (my drum student) to my car being stolen not to mention some current family transition ALL on top of my mom brain cancer and two kids at my job  [1 in remission and the other currently going through Chemo].

 

This is ALL having a traumatic effect on my ability to control and express my feeling. MY CUP RUNeth OVER.

So, I have turned inward and ART has become my new addiction and crutch.

 

I seem to think that I'm depressed (yes, even though I smile and still tell jokes. And yes, it's possible to be depressed and still do these things). A friend of mine seems to think that I'm on the verge of something GREAT!

I guess we will see. I just SEE ART right now.

 

~Art Junkie.