Compliments by TANK

If you're listening...

\O/ Breath In, Breath Out (11/272011)

I'm all for some things being constant, like, Love, affection, understanding, dreams. You know, the good shit. But lately I can't help but to feel like I'm really going through a post-quarter life crisis. My mind is consumed with my career, my relationship, death, me not feeling like I'm reaching my goals and not because I'm lazy or not working hard. I just feel like I'm in a morbid assed cycle. I'm sure it reads rather simple but emotionally this is beyond draining.

I'm doing about 85-90% of shit right. The other 10-15% is put to good use. Making attempts to seem "normal". I am recovering work-a-holic that is in need of ________. I doing all that I can. I just hope that the Universe comes to meet me soon because I will soon have my back up against a huge wall. So, I'm constantly trying to to anticipate those feelings... just another task that I consumed with during my 10-15% or normalcy.

She's said some things to me that have me stressed out and not really enjoying the bumps in my career road. I doubt that she even knows. I'm really stressed out but trying so hard.I can't talk to her about it. I don't think I will attempt again either. I've never felt like I couldn't and shouldn't talk to the person I dating. I'm not sure how much longer I can suffer in silence without wanting to talk to someone else.

Death has been on my mind. My mom started talking to be about her funeral and the arrangements again. This talk was about a week and a half after my car accident. Crazy shit!!

Let me go to sleep. Maybe when I fall asleep my brain will go on a mini vacation from this and all the other shit on my mind.

\O/

Talking with my mom about her funeral arrangements... The day before Thanksgiving.

This time last year I was in New Orleans getting ready for the Bayou Classic festivities & hanging out with the locals in the French Quarter listening to music.

I've been applying for jobs out of state here and there, but if something does come through, I WILL MOVE. I need a small change.

Creative ben (Whatever it takes, Baby. RAW)

Walk with me, I want you to come talk with me.

Settle down now. Just listen. I'm not the most creative muthafucka but I got a clever way of telling my story.

Hold me hand and show me patience.


It's been a long night. Full of Lust and Cheating.
I know what you're going to say. Settle Down just listen.

I didn't mean for things to get out of hand. You hugged me a little too tight. You grabbed my back and.welp, there went my hands.

I know it was wrong but we've been feeling that way for a while now. Secretly fantasizing. Texting thoughts. Fuck your man.

You actually got a nigga ready to leave my entire life, wife, car and career just for the pussy.

[You got my creativity flowing.]

I was once known as Creative Ben.

I've watched you powder your nose over the years. Thoses Italian Teal, not green heels you wear.My girl has a pair just like those. The ones on your feet. The look good on her, but better on you.

She's good to me but don't fuck me the way she used to. You on the other hand...you're into the freaky shit that i like. Rope and duct tape. walk fucking and show loving.

[Conflicted]

I love her though. She tap dances on my heart with her gaze. She reminds me of Bambii. Tall, beautiful legs, long.Reminds me of summer days, you know the good one.The ones that you can never get enough of. The ones that last all day long.

We met in a museum in Africa near a tree in Congo where I played my drum at.and she would go to study the sunset. She appeared like a Cherry Blossom, fresh, beautiful and mysterious. I had no idea that with every bat of her lashes I would fall DOWN, fast like the sunrise. Hoping she would ask my name. Wondering if she noticed me. Questioning my own talents. Contenplating just how soft her hands would feel. I had long to be inside her jacket pressed up againt her chest. I followowed her around the museum wondering if her heart beat matched that of the rhythm of drums.

She spoke and I responsded with a firm hello.Thinking to myself, i wonder if she notices my masculine mannerisum but my warm face. We met in Congo where I played my drums and she studied the sunset. So i can longer carry on with this affair becuase our story is worth preserving. I'm laying to rest the secret of you. I love US too much. X-ing out with a red pen the lies and mistrust. Selling all of infedelities pocession. I quit cheating with you on her.

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Easy how we can forget a story so rich and wind up in the arms with someone else... So I illustrate these thoughts and words so I can keep before my heart the truth and beauty of our meeting.

Creative ben-
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The Flying Lotus sent me on a mental trip. I know you're reading this being nosy. this is all written from a crative place. but, WHATEVER it takes to preserve us. NO EDITS/RAW.

It's hard to remember your dreams while in the struggle.

Slept like shit. I feel like shit.

Today is the first day of shooting. This is going to be a very long day. LW also come into town. Holy Moses!!

I can NOT talk to her about the SH situation. She would swear Im being self absorbed. It sucks that I feel like I cant talk to her. That's why I'm not friends

Frustrated as fuck! I would rather be somewhere warm playing Marimba and drinking a Cape Cod. I need to jump 2 tax brackets so I can go whenever I want to.

I need a good meal, hot bath & back rub, and some really good sex. In that order. Ah well.

A big part of support is "being there" is asking helpful questions, checking on the other person, and having empathy. This is going to be a long weekend.

I'm tired & stressed. I want to be babied but I won't dare say anything about it. I'm not comfortable nor do I want to be accused of being self absorbed.

Sometimes I become jealous & angry of people that take things for granted. I wish I had the luxury of feeling comfortable in most situations. Oh well, I guess.

Cooking dinner for myself..alone. If I didn't like myself this would be all bad. Being alone is wack but not too bad. This no-work on my off-day thing is WACK.

I was going to post my blog from last night but I'm just not up for it. All I want to do is eat chocolate and lay in the bed. I feel blah today :(

She's trying to assert herself in my life, marking her territory & grooming me. I need her to understand that my grooming for her is emotional. 10/31/11

I spent the baby with big head after all. I had a pretty good Halloween. No Tim Burton or West Hollywood, just KAD and Leimert. I'm satisfied.