I feel so blah today and I have so much to do. I wish things could be as simple as the say 'kiss and make up' but that isn't always the case... Is it ever the case in life? Ugh!
On the other hand I fell in love with a pair of shoes today... If I didn't know what it was like being raised poor and irresponsible I would totally trick off my money and buy them. One day in the near future I will have the options to buy almost anything I want- not that I will buy but the option to.
She drives me crazy but the truth remains that I love the fuck out of her. Trina is my baby. She is just as beautiful to me as the first day that I first saw her. I love you Katrina.
IDK. I've been feeling like affection is being rationed to me, from the way she kisses me to the times she says no to sex. This isn't a new feeling for me, I just don't say anything but why would I when she says things like, "what's wrong with you. Do you need sex. You must need sex!" in a way that makes me feel like I'm a kid that annoying their parent... That shit makes me feel rejected. It always has but I don't say anything because she is often stressed out and generally tense. I'm supportive and try to be extra supportive of her difficult attitude and try to ride with her high and lows.
Honestly, I do think she's less stimulated by me or maybe she takes me for granted. Before we started having sex she couldn't keep her hands off me and soon after we started having sex we would have sex a few times on the weekend. I don't want to program myself to be less affectionate or desensitize toward her. We would text sex and flirt with each other but now, who knows. Maybe she's comfortable...but I won't play the game of 'trying to figure out Trina' with myself. Sorry, i cant survive on sex once a week but I've been keeping a low sex profile with her. I'm not even mad. Being mad would only insure two things happening. In any case I'll just be cool and stay focused on my own activities. I have my own terms as well. If she had more sex- even with herself she wouldn't always be so damn tense. There's absolutely nothing wrong with me wanting sex. I feel like she withholds sex. I swear to the high heavens if I gave her exactly what she gave me she would think something is wrong. I already tested that theory and she kept asking if I was tired and what was wrong... I don't want to start with holding from her emotionally to feel like I'm getting back. In fact that exactly what i don't do because when i start to do that i lose complete interest and respect for the other person and ultimately i can kiss whatever dynamic (work, relationship, friends) goodbye. I KNOW ME. We are not at that point and i hope we never get there. Im frustrated but cant make me turn on the affection or sit on my face. Before I felt like she was into me and showed me genuine interest and flirted with me- and this is when she and I only say each other on the weekends and text during the week with minimal phone conversations...... Oh, wait! I still only see her on the weekends and we text. Oh. So what's the difference... Effort, affection and interest. I'm calling a Spade a Spade. Like I said, I'm not mad but I'm not and won't believe that im being needy, making everything about me, not being understanding. In any case the more i think about mull over it i can feel myself becoming irritated and i dont want to have those feelings in my chest today. So i choosing to keep cool about the situation and keep my focus. What will be, will be. I have a business to run.
She had the cutest look on her face a few minutes ago. I wish she held that look forever.
I'm fascinated by two peoples attraction to each other. A think that's a incredible dynamic. I'm most attracted to her when she's being sweet, communicative and nurturing to me.
I find you most internally sexy when your guard is down. And I'm not talking about when we are having sexy... You're a incredibly beautiful woman. You're perhaps thee most attractive woman I've seen but your BEAUTiFyL when your guard is down and trusting me with your words. That's true beauty to me... When a woman trust herself enough to know that she doesn't need a guard. THAT'S the type of woman I want to give my full heart to. That's the kind of women that I would give myself to. That's the kind of woman that keeps my attention, love and affection. That is the kind of woman that I want as my wife.
I watch you when you're sleep and less defensive and I think, 'she looks so peaceful laying next to me. I wonder if her heart I at peace.' I always like to pretend that it is...
Can you let down your guard long enough for me to love the sore and tender parts of your heart?
[verse 1]
I can be your beau in shining armor
if you would let me
And build you a mansion with my own hands
I will gladly slay the dragon for ya
But I no longer think I'm in your plans
I run into your walls hoping that you'd notice
But you seem to not have the time
I'll gladly be your Gladiator
It's more about your feelings and less about less than mine.
[chorus]
I'm standing here waiting
Hoping you find me before it's too late
If my love is all you need
I've remained quietly
But how long must I wait
I'm waiting, waiting, waiting
Hoping that you'll find me my love
I'm waiting, waiting, waiting
I'm standing here waiting for you to find me my love
[verse 2]
I can be your champion in battle
But you won't even return my calls
You'll gladly leave me stranded
But you're still the first person i'd call.
So I doctor my own wounds just to keep you close
just to feel your heart beat next to mine
I'll gladly be your gladiator
It's more about your feelings and less than mine
[chorus ]
I'm standing here waiting
Hoping you find me before it's too late
If my love is all you need
I've remained quietly
But how long must I wait
I'm waiting, waiting, waiting
Hoping that you'll find me my love
I'm waiting, waiting, waiting
I'm standing here waiting for you to find me my love
[Bridge]
What happened to the person I first met
So much passion and no regret
I would do anything for you
.
.
.
.
[chorus ]
I'm standing here waiting
Hoping you find me before it's too late
If my love is all you need
I've remained quietly
But how long must I wait
I'm waiting, waiting, waiting
Hoping that you'll find me my love
I'm waiting, waiting, waiting
I'm standing here waiting for you to find me my love
Waiting, maybe not, no more
(NMS, ASCAP)
So follow me
Follow me, I'll be your River, River
I'll do the running for ya
Follow me, I'll be your River, River
I'll move the mountains for ya
Follow me, I'll be your River, River
I'm here to keep you floating
Follow me, I'll be your River, River, River, River yea
If all you want are answers to your questions, and you can't seem to find no love for free
If you're looking for the right direction, then darling look for me
See I can make the load much lighter, I just need you to confide in me
but if you're too proud to follow Rivers, how are you ever going to find the sea?
-Emeli Sande
Go To The Mo
Lets go to the mo 4x
I get a little then I want a lot I get minute then I run The clock
See he be in it but barely hit ya spots so he don't get it now and Im
right up the block
So at this time make your excuses to leave cause you need ya boy
to put that fire out like right now
Know you can come what you been teasing gaurantee you
something bad now (bad now )thats right (thats right )
Cause all that talk has been foreplay all day (already baby)
I swear the touch of ya body
on me (on me) got me feeling like im the one girl We should go
lets go to the mo
Go
Lets go to the mo
Does he kiss you like that
Lets go to the mo
hit it like that
Lets go to the mo
We should ,WE SHOULD
lets go to the mo
Go
Lets go to the mo
Does he rub it like that
Lets go to the mo
Have you cumin like that
Its, its getting crowded in here I want that to myself I didn't plan
on putting my hands on nobody else
we should go,we should go ,go some where
We should GO ,we should go up these stairs so at this time make
your excuses to leave cause you need ya boy to put that fire out
like right now
Know you can come but you been teasing Guarantee you
something bad now bad now thats right (thats right)
Cause all that talk has been foreplay all day (all day) already baby
(Already baby)
I swear the touch of ya body on me got me feeling like im the one girl we should go
Lets go to the mo
Go
Lets go to the mo
Does he kiss you like that
Lets go to the mo
hit it like that
Lets go to the mo
We should we should
Lets go to the mo
Go
Lets go to the mo
Does he rub it like that
Lets go to the mo
Have you cumin like that,like that
Ohh when a nigga aint here ohh im here oh when a nigga cant hit
it Im here oh when a nigga aint shit Im here oh
Open up the door around 6 im here (im here)
Lets go to the mo
May we should maybe we should
Lets go to the mo
Room six nine yeah
have the the neighbors listening
Lets go to the mo
Go
Lets go to the mo
Does he kiss you like that
Lets go to the mo
hit it like that
Lets go to the mo
We should,we should go
Lets go to the mo
Go
Lets go to the mo
Does he rub it like that
Lets go to the mo
have you cumin like that
Lets go to the mo 3x
What
Lets go to the mo 3x
What
(Jeremih, Def Jam)
I can not handel him dying. I just can't. Just when I think I'm cool on death and that it's taken its rightful space then this shit happens. I'm not sure what to make of all this but I know that I don't want to hear "I'm over reacting, it's a normal part of life, or just deal with it." I'm concerned about him which makes me concerned about her. I guess I never thought about him being sick or dying. Mentally I've been so consumed with my mom dying, her health and trying to anticipate her death that other peoples death have etched more sadness and disbelieve on my heart and logic simply because I did not and haven't expected it.
Truth...
I try too hard to keep the peace...
because: I know just how out of control I can be/get
Every since I saw my other side I've don't most of what Janine has suggested
because: I don't like that side of me.
I really do care
because: it's the right thing to do and I like seeing people happy
I really do try to help people because
because: I would want someone to help me if I needed
This glass is half empty
because: I'm tired of trying and I'm entitled to give up even if momentarily.
I'm getting close to stopping
because: the result I've been investing into I am not getting
I've pushed 92% of the ill thoughts I had out of my head... because: I care about you. I care about our dynamics. But: You're keeping up the same shit and: it is pushing me in the other direction. You've always tested me. I remained steady. You test me. I remain steady. You keep testing me and: I wont remain steady. I'm faithful in my heart. My chest hurts.
because: You fill in the blank.
I don't know.
because: because I am tired of know, thinking and keeping it together.
I just need some space.
because: I want space to act out and not be concerned for and about other people.
I need to me romanced. I need to be made love to.
I'm checking out . . . Here's my room key.
We should . . .Go to the Mo.
Both of these muthafuckas are high maintanace. BOTH OF THEM! They can dish the shit out but can't handle my feedback. They trip part is that I've been very diplomatic about how I given my feedback. If I threw a tantrum the way they did they would lose their fucking minds. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT ANYONE SAYS, I do a GOOD JOB of NOT giving people a hard time and having attitudes. That number is LOW AS FUCK compared to yours. I'm just tired of constantly dealing with peoples attitude and feeling like I can't be honest about my emotions and feedback. ATTENTION PEOPLE THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO DEAL WITH AND KEEP ATTITUDES- people like me can only deal with so fucking much before we start acting out. That goes to K and L and any muthafucka randomly coming across this blog.
FUCK YALL. FUCK yall stankin' ass attitude. I can't stand diva attitudes.
The straw just broke the Camel's back.
As well mannered and as patient and tempered as we try to be know that I can be JUST AS fucked up and a SUPREME asshole. You see, people like me usually warn you assholes that were tired, frustrated and needing a break. And people like yall just keep going and going and going until we say something snappy. STOP pushing me to the verge of NO GIVING A FUCK! I can be hurtful. I'm trying to keep cool and this is probably
People like you think you're so amazing but are so above learning. You never think twice about your actions unless the other person is wounded. I'm going to stop myself RIGHT THE FUCK HERE... AND I DONT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU or you using my words against me. Kiss the bottom of my fucking shoes.
IM OUT THIS BITCH!
I've neglecting my blog by choosing to write in her but she's currently mad because I expressed myself my truth- out of anger but I expressed myself now she's not talking to me. I FuCKiNG KNEW. I knew that blog was a fucking trap. I should make/request that she writes in a blog but I would get "oh I'm too busy. Your needy. I don't have time like you. I don't like to talk or write. Stop trying to make me like you". I'm certain I would get one of not three of those statements. I'll bet $5 on it.
I started to say that I would stop writing in blogs but maybe I should start a new blog and NOT tell her about it. The way she does internally. Whatever man. If she had been a woman of her word and NOT read my blogs the way she vowed to do we wouldn't be in this situation. But she went back on her word. She lied. She tried to act like she wasn't And wouldn't read my blog and that she wouldn't throw it up in my face but SHE DID. So who is wrong? I'm actually over the situation. I'm not all that upset anymore but the more I think about how she didn't keep her word and thinks it is ok the more upset I feel myself becoming.
Women always find a way to trap you. CATCH 22 like a muthafucka! She's not as bad as other women I've heard stories about but she is still a woman.
Since I'm being real YOU violated me. YOU didn't keep your word and then decided to make your own rule that it is okay to "read your blog when we only have big blOwout and we don't talk". What the hell makes you think that it's okay? I'll wait..............
The same way you make your own rules about this you make your own rules about when you're right and when your wrong; especially when you're wrong. But I'm labeled the defensive one. Kat, I'm not even mad just annoyed at how you get to trump and bend the rules whenever you want to The difference about being with me is that I see the shit and will call you on it even when you act like you don't know what I am talking about or that I'm the one with the issue. That is ultimately need to grow out of that shit but I'm working with it. Just know that I see how you blur the lines and rules. lol. You're so afraid of being wrong and being the bad person...maybe you should stop being a perfectionist and get a little dirty...be the bad person and be wrong. You act like I'm judging you or that the whole world is judging you... I think You are Judging you. Easier said than done but I'm certain you'll feel better about things. Be vulnerable in front of me. Let yourself go. Stop deflecting and accept.
In any case I make a pair of undies to pick out of my ass and food to eat.
I'm out!
Love u bunches.
-Me
