I really need to find a therapist. I need a place to sort some things out. family, love, career, my past, my right now, and my future.

What's the point if she always has an attitude; always irritable; if I'm always the "real one" with a issue?? I don't fucking get it.

It's here! I think.

So today as I was headed our of house and as usual I eagerly check the mailbox but not without feeling a wave of emotion; Anxious, nervous, anxious, disappointed, anxious, etc. All while wondering what the hell will the letter look like. Will it be big? Small? Will I have to sign for it? Today was no different. only difference was that IT was actually in the mail. There it was a rather plain looking envelope. Nothing fancy. No decorations. No signature required. I stared at it for a few seconds and carried on with my day. Freeway. Traffic. Pasadena. Production Meeting. Call my nephew for homework check. Walk to car from meeting. I'm currently sitting in my car and still haven't opened the letter. I've been excited and anxious foe 2 months about this letter and I can't even open it. I feel blah about it. Not excited, not sad. Just *shrugs* I guess I feel like the moment has to be right. I think "the right moment" plays a big part in milestones and transitions. The day I thought I was going to file I got all dressed up but ended up not doing filing. Today I'm casual looking (all dressed up) and don't feel like opening this letter. I had hope that I would have K to celebrate with me but I'm guessing this moment is all about me for me but I'd like to share it with somebody. SO lovely random readers, I believe that my business license is laying here on my lap in this envelope as I sit in my car in the parking lot of Art College Center of Design in Pasadena @ 10:29pm. I will open it later on tonight, I guess. So random reader *high5* Wooooohooooo. I guess. I still haven't opened it. Ah well. Maybe one day.

Funny thing is that I've been SO stressed about this piece of paper. Worried that the name was taken or that something weird would come back with the paperwork. All sorts of shit and now it's finally fucking here and I don't have a any feelings of eagernes. Emotions are sooooooo odd. I'm going home now. I need to jump on the freeway.

Welp! I guess.

I wrote the following this morning didn't pot it. I am now.
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There's something different about it this time. The difference is I genuinely am starting to feel fucks to give and trying to hold on to the couple I have but...I'm starting to feel immune. I've closed up part of myself. And here comes the blockage again. I'm not feeling as resilient as I once had before in moments like these. My caring less has everything to do with feeling tired and needing a break from the bullshit. It's actually really fucking annoying. No tests. No proving anything. It's tiring. I have a huge "To Do List". Either be a part of it or don't. You think that was something, you have no idea. My tolerance is wide and deep so know that I must have been reaching my limit and for good reasons. // I think it rather interesting how much justifying I do to prove myself. I need to stop going above and beyond and being overly flexible. I'm that way far too much. It's Your/Y'all turn. Clearly being respectful, understanding, and accommodating isn't enough so I've stopped. Enjoy the 'Now Me'. Compliments of your own lack of fucks to give for me. I'm of value too, muthafucka. Fuck you very much and have a great day. :D

My old was alerted me that they are still in me waiting to be let out but I held it together in her car. I didn't do any of the crazy shit I thought of doing.

I've come to realize that I don't really like ppl as much as I think I do. Unorganized. Indecisive. Selfish. ETC goddamit!