So it's Halloween and I've canceled both plans. I'm not in the mood at all. I should probably rest anyway, I guess. Oh, and the counter never lies.

On the record pt. life

I sometimes wonder if my mother felt that way about my dad. I don't want her to become how my mom was about my dad. No woman should have to deal with that.

I'm not cheating and actually I'm aware of the lines. I hold myself accountable in front of you and when you are not around. Our perspective of the line is different. Naturally, given are character types but there's also our gender identity & expression plays a role in that.

I don't get the sense that you trust me. I do get the notion that you're guarded.

You make it seem like I should not have a contradictory feeling to anything that you are going through or have a opinion about.

What do you expect from me.

I think you take me for granted or at least went through a period that you did, outside of you being a princess in general.


You don't stroke my ego. It's as if you think by doing it that I'm going to wander off or start treating you like you're less than. That is so not true. That's not the case at all. I don't allow ot let women stroke my ego because I want my gf to do it, not other women. It's the same as a woman wanting to be told that she's beautiful and that she's a woman of worth and that she means a lot to her man. She wants to hear those things. A good man knows to do those things and other things in a effort to 'take care of home'. IF he know's the real value in his woman he will do those things without any apprehension. He won't withhold any good thing from her. We also won't leave it up to another man to fill the void in his woman's life. If another man or Stud tells you that you're beautiful in front of me or if someone says to me, 'your girl is beautiful' I say thank you. I take it as a compliment. I don't get alarmed. I know I make you feel beautiful. I don't doubt that I do.

Do you feel that confident about me. Ask yourself honestly.

Do you?

*reminds me of the time I asked you about sex and missing dick. Your response was, "if you take care of me I will be fine". *


Yes, I'm friendly with both men and women. I don't mind attention from women. Do I flirt, No. I'm clear about boundaries. Yes boundaries can be perceived differently but if asked, I am clear about where I stand. I usually put it out that I'm off the market before I'm asked. I do admit that I was once oblivious to peoples feelings for me (before dating you and sometimes now) but I'm more aware of that now. I also know that People Want What They Can't Have.

I hear you when you say that you have concerns... I also say to you

Have faith in me. Trust me. If you don't then that's something for you to figure out.

What concerns me is that you don't feel the need to tell me that I'm sexy (you've said those exact words to me). Why don't you? You see, my concern is your unwillingness to do so. And that I think you won't do so because of Pride. I could be wrong but I don't understand why you would feel the need to not tell me. Why would you feel the need to not do the things I like or ask for.

My stance on willingness goes a long way and says a lot. It makes me think a abundance of things...

I think what I'm also saying I don't think that it's just my friendliness that bothers you. I think it's your own feelings of not feeling like you're doing enough but I honestly don't think that you would be that honest with me or yourself.

I'm not saying any of this out of anger, spite nor sadness. Just calm honestly.

I fucking love OTIS REDDING!!

The Tipping Point

This weekend marks a turning point. I'm just tired. Tired of talking, explaining, being accused, dissed, and misunderstood. I don't feel appreciated. I just need a fucking break. I can't I really deal with the extra bullshit. She always feels the need to tell me what I'm NOT doing. Every (and I do mean every) argument we've had is ALWAYS a K -----> N direction. It's never N ------>K. She goes off on me and tell me all the things I not doing right. I've never been made to feel so self conscience every time I want to use the word 'I' in a sentence before. WTF son! I've never been accused of being a let-down so much. What she doesn't really understand or appreciate is that in spite of the constant yapping l STILL SHOW THE FUCK UP to this goddamn relationship and keep trying to be sweet & respectful. She won't honestly admit that if roles were reversed and I bitched her out as often as she does me she would have walked away months ago.

My problem, and I blame myself for this, is trying to keep the peace. But, I'm over that shit and in a major fucking way. It's not fair to me. This relationship is REALLY FUCKING tiring. I'm giving up from trying so hard. Fuck being giving and all that other shit. I'll just let things play out based on the work that she does. She doesn't feel appreciated, huh? Man please! She's so grossly stuck on what I'm not doing that she's genuinely missing all the sweet things I've been giving her. Don't project onto me. Do better. Go the distance. Do the internal uncomfortable work to make you and this relationship better. Just saying you're here and not doing any internal work on yourself isn't enough. It's okay for you to keep pointing out my flaws and keep sending me in the refiners fire to be better but you yourself are not being refined. You keep pushing me and you're going to push me away.

I don't want to be without her but I'm no longer afraid. I'm not afraid to be single. I'm not afraid to be lonely. I'm not afraid to be sad. Nope, not at all. She said, "yes!!!" she wants to be with me... I guess we'll see.


#CarSaturdayNightRevampedSundayToPost

This shit is about me because it's mine. Duhh! Im tired today. Im over this shit. I want to be alone. Im over being censored. I'm not trusting. I need a break.

I don't care that she reads my blog. I won't ever stop being honest. I refuse to censor myself. This is my only outlet. But do I trust her is the question?_____

Wow, what a long ass convo. I swear that just made history. Unlimited Texting. *kisses phone* Up in 2 hours. I need a Vicodin. This is going to be a long day.

We don't pay enough homage to the artists that made it possible for us. [African-American] musicians today.

Now I'm in pain, rocking back in forth wanting to talk to you but I don't feel like I can share with you. I need to keep me first w/o you. Without resentment.

"Screw you, you don't make me feel special, you treat me like everyone else". Even though I was good to her she still ended up resenting me. I can't win.

I'm in so much fucking pain that I can't sleep. Here we go again, waking up out of my sleep in pain. "You had your teeth pulled, so what, get over it"...

For the first time in 4+ years I am actually looking forward to the holiday season. I haven't felt this excited in yearsssss. #randomshare

What could I possibly know about Love anyway? Maybe I'm just going 'round & 'round in circles. Maybe that's the way it's supposed to be since there's no point.

Why can't love just be easy...

I wonder if/how long this relationship will last. I wonder. I must remember to keep my heart below it's baseline. It's the WAY shit is done. Can I trust her?

Wow, she left. Wow. Im way cool. I'll be sure to look out for self from now on. Non-communicative, passive shit I can't deal with. Im making waves IDGAF. Tooth.

I don't depend and I don't trust. A loyal Leo I am but it's usually not reciprocated. If I don't give you the chance to let me down, you won't. Pretty simple.

This is why I do everything myself. No one can take care of me the way I do. I don't ever think people will come through for me. I use to it being that way.

I make shit about you too much. Maybe I should become a little self absorbed? Im in pain but b/c ppl r coming over to see me you're not coming? WTF shit is that

Today is a hard day. Still looking for a PT job. I hate not being able to do the things I need to. I just feel down today :(

I think Im going to go back to school for Music & African-American Studies. I love science but not enough to major in it. I like Social Work & Psych but not yet

My body wants her. I think make-up sex is going to be electric.

WOW!!!! I can't believe I, little ol' me was asked to do such a awesome task! Order my steps.

You know what... The Power Of Intentions are on my side. That's where my feet are planted firmly even if my heart feels weak. No one ever sees me for me. Bogus!

Maybe she's not HER. Maybe this isnt going to work. I was hopeful for nothing. Again, I suck at this. Maybe I should denounce relationships since Im an asshole.

I hate being misunderstood because I try so hard to be clear. Not condescending but clear. Maybe I should be alone since I've ran into this wall.

You give a nigga the stars and they want the whole damn Solar System. Goddamn, there's some shit you just have to work for, damn!

Sometimes I get worried that I've fallen In Love by myself. She seems so calm & relaxed like nothing seems to ever bothers her. Is she playing me or am I crazy?

#Part1 -- This shit is work!!! Self control and self accountability is a goddamn BEAST to master...Or at least *attempt to master, consistently. #REAL

#Part2-- If a muthafucka is willing to curb old behaviors for themselves first & for the relationship ship... That's WHAT THE FUCK LOVE IS. #BongBong

I'm realizing tonight that I've never fully unpacked anywhere that I've lived except for my last place in Boston but even then I felt a little odd. 10/2/11

She loves. I can dig it. Just like when I pick the paper & pad up, She really means it.