She's going to read it wrong and back to square zero. I need to jump on a plane and just leave L.A.

Morning Wood, Morning Truths

I woke feeling a little frustrated, annoyed and just plain old aggravated. My view has not changed on her inability to take criticism. I woke feeling tired. I'm less interested.

I don't want to get married, neither in the legal or sense or in lesbian sense. I just don't. It's too much work being accommodating and reasonable. Honestly, I woke up feeling like 'I'm gonna do what I want to do'.

I wonder if I'm starting to resent her... I wonder if I'm upset with myself. Both?

I think I made a mistake by not leaving. I lessened my point. I am upset with myself.

A Dancing Conversation

I don't feel like the conversation came to a resolve around the issue. I think (believe) that the resolve came around our love for each other. I was mad and walked off. She walked behind me. I walked to my car...she walked to her car and I walked to her car. I started the dance. She responded. We went back and forth and danced ourselves out of our frustrations.

I guess ultimately she knows that I could walk away and never return to her presence...but I wonder if she herself actually believes it.

She always seems so 'I don't give a fuck' and uninterested when we are arguing. I work hard at not being that way when we are arguing. In my mind during our arguing I think I'm the one taking the higher road but this argument in particular I didn't want to be the bigger person. I wanted to give her my REAL attitude of old. I was just THAT fucking. THAT person that I become is the one I blogged about before- the one that doesn't feel anything.

I've done work and continuously do work to keep me on the up & up and respectful toward her and others, especially during the past four days. I just want her to work on deconstructing her hang-ups too, specifically her needing to become manly during conflicts. I am becoming increasingly concerned that she won't want to become better because she will continue to think that there's no need for her to change because . I know she feels like she can be herself and "wear her pair of pants" in the relationship, but I will DEMAND her respect and if I don't get it (the way I think I should, just as she would want) there WILL be problems. I will BLOW and I become out of control and once I'm that way- I DO NOT respect people. I'm not proud but honest. It also takes constant disrespect for me to become that way...it's been a few years.

I don't want to feel like I have to constantly go to war for equality in my relationship. That's a battle I struggle with everyday of my life with my skin color, the way I speak, my gender expression as well as my sexual orientation. I don't want to war for basic understanding in a place that I feel is suppose to give me shelter from the world's bullshit, constant belittling and maltreatment. <--- I'm certain that she doesn't fully understand me on this.

*sigh*

I just hope the next couple of month of this relationship proves me wrong. They say anything is possible...we'll see.

I will just keep myself in check so she can have [some] of the "floor" to grow... I'm nervous that she won't and ultimatley meet my needs the way I'm working on trying to meet her. And I think this because she seems guarded and eager to express her discontent with me calling out the behaviors of hers that I dislike.

*sigh* I don't know...

Hoping for better.

Hoping that she comes to understand the real me and not the me that she feels like she has to label- just as I hope to keep loving and learning her.

I am happy that she would have called me on the way to the hospital if Jack needed to go. That's comforting.


-me

Ha! This shit is like playing team Spades and your partner doesn't know how to communicate or 'read the books'.

I'm going to blow! I need to go ahead and handle this so I can stop feeling suffocated by emotions.

A Storm Is Coming

Roy is running through my veins. I'm not going to go the fuck off but will take my ass out and play. This Frank Ocean is holding my fire-cracker-ass the fuck down!! I'm feeling quite reckless...and I DO MEAN reckless. I think I repress my anger too often or I'm [still] a hot-head. Shit is shifting and it's becoming too much to control. I don't want to control it because I'm ready to hurt for tears. I'm ready to hurt. I want to cause pain. I better have a drink, hide my car keys and stay inside because I'm IN a I Don't Give A FUCK Bitch kind of mood and this will not end well.

I'm sick of this shit. I'm tired. You better humble yourself. I'm not capable of feeling anything.

CAKE made me feel better. You need your CAKE eaten.

Today was fucking odd. I called it though. No matter who or what, I will be okay. I almost went "balls to the wall" earlier today. I almost posted on some shit that would have set me back into my old ways of life but I will stay on this current and see where it takes me... and it's Leora's followed be this song I just heard a few minutes ago that has helped change my mood. I'm feeling better now. I'm in such a better space. I may go and buy me a piece of CAKE after listening to this song. Sweet Lord, YES!!!!

These bitches really don't want me to go ballistic!! They severed their purpose but she acting funny too. Broads stay with the bullshit, yo! No room for Fakes!

I fucking HATE when she does that rude shit. That's another I WILL change about myself. I will become more dismissive and say 'Who gives a fuck' when I do it.

Sitting in Starbucks thinking I want to have a family with her so hold our little boy that's going to dress like me. Fuck, I LOVE HER. I hope my heart is safe.

This is proving my point all the more. Not so much as a... I shall remain seated in the self-reserved area. *Sits the fuck DOWN*

Happy Valentine's Day... Some shit just refuse to be simple. Uugh! I'm over it. Never mind it.

"You can be a little hard on me about meeting my dad..." <-- has the power to send me over the edge but I shall be cool. Firm but Cool. Easy resolution. #Dyke

Rest In Peace Whitney Houston :(

I'm not pleased with her. The same way that she wants ME to keep things between she and I, I expect the same. I'm really upset with her. *fumes from neck*

MW Dad's cancer (edits)

So, the woman that broke my heart, shook my world and stole the living breath out of my chest, I've recently ( a few hours ago) engaged in conversation. But before that...

In 2010 I finally got the closure that I needed and it was done without communicating with her. I remember feeling a massive amount of weight that was lifted and subsequently it was also the ending of the relationship that I was in at the time. I think MW and I broke up in 2008 or 2009. What made it so traumatic (without going into all the details) was that it was religious based, I was betrayed and lied to, made to feel that I wasn't good enough, left for a man- a married man, etc. It was some unreal and seriously confusing time in my life. She left me in chaos. We haven't spoken since April of 2008 or April 2009 and I only know it was April because I had just started my the second half of my Outfest season.
On Monday of this week a friend that MW and I share told me that her dad "isn't doing to well". Another friend that we share asked her about her dad for me and shared that her dad has Bone Cancer. ----HOLY SHIT!---- My heart goes out to her and her brother. I know what it's like caring for a dying parent all too well and it's fucking nuts. It's overwhelming. It's unlike anything I've had to do before in my life.

Wow, I'm happy that I got the closure I needed on my own so I would be able to reach out to her with a sincere heart about her dad and not have any ill or malicious feelings toward her for hurting me or feelings of her dad being sick is some sort of revenge. I know what I just typed sounds off but when the human heart is hurt we think from angry emotions.

I can honestly say that I don't will any of those feelings toward her or her family even though I felt betrayed by them as well.

I'm grateful for the lessons I learned from the break up with MW, although they had me FUCKED UP in the head... Shit, I still deal with symptoms especially with femme women that say their Lesbian or Bisexual. I deal with feelings of untrust all the time. Shit, the film "The Kids Are Alright" made me mad. The plot hit too close to home and was everything. I thought/think will happen to me. HOWEVER, I'm a more prepared person today. I've been super-fucked-over in ways I will NEVER, NEVER share on this blog, but I can say that today, I'm alright. I'm a better person.

The lessons that I've learned have prepared me for the next level of commitment. The woman that I'm currently in a relationship with is amazingly good for me, even though she's difficult at times and doesn't make logical sense to me, LOL, but that's because women are from a different planet than us Studs. I'm certain I'm from Jupiter or Pluto.

But seriously, Katrina (and I won't say these exact words to her now because of my own fears- that I'm working on daily) but she and Jack are my family. I call them my "almost-family". But seriously, they are the closest thing to a family of my own that I feel. Oddly enough, the last time that I felt like I had "family" or referred to someone I was dating as family was in a relationship with MW and that was ripped that from me and she used god to detach my heart out of my chest...

So my road to falling in love with Katrina and Jack has been rather easy but difficult for me to accept and even more difficult to surrender my heart. The process of surrendering hasn't been a easy one for me but now that I have I will tell anyone (including my mom, bigots, friends) "Yes. I'm in love" with a proud voice and heart. I say it with confidence. That's why I cried a two weeks ago when She and Jack were in my car- I CAN FEEL AGAIN. I'm ALIVE. I have LOVE and I'm IN LOVE. I have a woman and a/her DOG that loves me and get's excited when they see me and enjoy being with me. That feeling is PRICELESS to me. Shit, I haven't felt that in my own family...not really.

I'm not saying/typing any of this to gloat in MW face (in my heart) or trying to kill her with kindness but I'm greatful from the heartache I've grown from. I'm just happy about the love and excitement that I feel in my own life. None of that "boom, in your face shit" Not at all- because the universe placed something in my heart several weeks ago when I was mad at my old roommates... 'Just as I hope and want god to vindicate me and hurt them for hurting me, he has a responsibility to take care of them as well. One of balance. I hoped that they didn't find another roommate and that they would be forced to pay extra rent but after the new 'reasoning and epiphany that god/universe has to keep them as well' was sparked in my heart and mind, it altered my feelings for wanting revenge and I just worked on letting the entire situation go. And I have. And that same "reasoning" applied/s to MW. I've had my closure. I honestly hope that God is able to help and heal her the same as he's done for my mom.

I'm not a bad person. I have a big heart and when I'm able to press through my hurt and pride and heal, I can see little bit more just how big my heart is and how my intentions are in the right place. It's not easy because I feel like I have every right to be a muthafuckin' asshole in life but that's not my original nature, that's my response to the bullshit I've been through. I'm working to married to my true nature. My true-selfs heart is a burden at times because I want to fix it all but I can only do my share. It's a blessing.


God, thanks for the perspective I have. Thank you for my almost-not quite- family (Katrina and Jack). If Katrina is to be my wife and Jack my step-son I will do my best to honor them. It would be cool to have two little sisters. :-) MD and GD are sweet girls... Any who, I think MW just emailed me back. It's 1:57am and I should get some sleep and also not email her back tonight. We have already sent two emails. I will read her email but will respond when I wake. It's a little late for any more email exchanges with an ex. And it's not a immediate emergenc.y I want Katrina to know she has my respect even if she's not with me.

Love you baby. Wish you were laying next to me.

H.A.L.T. = Hungry. Angry. Lonely. Tired. <==== I thank Janine for this. I miss her warm smile.

She prays silently to her Lover, "Please don't betray me".

I hope her dream was wrong about Katrina and I... But that shit hit too close to my heart. Makes me want to regress into my old ways. I don't want to be a fool.

I'm a little upset. I hate when people are late for meetings with me. That shits pisses me off to no extent, plus I had a Margarita while waiting. NO Bueno!!

Wow, I just wrote my first 6page video treatment proposal. I'm destined for greatness. Keep going, self. Keep going I'm so proud od myself. I want to celebrate.