A Dancing Conversation

I don't feel like the conversation came to a resolve around the issue. I think (believe) that the resolve came around our love for each other. I was mad and walked off. She walked behind me. I walked to my car...she walked to her car and I walked to her car. I started the dance. She responded. We went back and forth and danced ourselves out of our frustrations.

I guess ultimately she knows that I could walk away and never return to her presence...but I wonder if she herself actually believes it.

She always seems so 'I don't give a fuck' and uninterested when we are arguing. I work hard at not being that way when we are arguing. In my mind during our arguing I think I'm the one taking the higher road but this argument in particular I didn't want to be the bigger person. I wanted to give her my REAL attitude of old. I was just THAT fucking. THAT person that I become is the one I blogged about before- the one that doesn't feel anything.

I've done work and continuously do work to keep me on the up & up and respectful toward her and others, especially during the past four days. I just want her to work on deconstructing her hang-ups too, specifically her needing to become manly during conflicts. I am becoming increasingly concerned that she won't want to become better because she will continue to think that there's no need for her to change because . I know she feels like she can be herself and "wear her pair of pants" in the relationship, but I will DEMAND her respect and if I don't get it (the way I think I should, just as she would want) there WILL be problems. I will BLOW and I become out of control and once I'm that way- I DO NOT respect people. I'm not proud but honest. It also takes constant disrespect for me to become that way...it's been a few years.

I don't want to feel like I have to constantly go to war for equality in my relationship. That's a battle I struggle with everyday of my life with my skin color, the way I speak, my gender expression as well as my sexual orientation. I don't want to war for basic understanding in a place that I feel is suppose to give me shelter from the world's bullshit, constant belittling and maltreatment. <--- I'm certain that she doesn't fully understand me on this.

*sigh*

I just hope the next couple of month of this relationship proves me wrong. They say anything is possible...we'll see.

I will just keep myself in check so she can have [some] of the "floor" to grow... I'm nervous that she won't and ultimatley meet my needs the way I'm working on trying to meet her. And I think this because she seems guarded and eager to express her discontent with me calling out the behaviors of hers that I dislike.

*sigh* I don't know...

Hoping for better.

Hoping that she comes to understand the real me and not the me that she feels like she has to label- just as I hope to keep loving and learning her.

I am happy that she would have called me on the way to the hospital if Jack needed to go. That's comforting.


-me