Part on my struggle with the holidays has been my relationship you K.

Why do I stay?

I haven't been wanting to stay & now that she's in therapy, especially now I don't really don't think I can or want to. It is too late for me and if she's not willing to acknowledge how she's created, manipulate, try's to silently control our relationship I simply can not do it.

If you can't see to want extent you've hurt me or give some sort of clue, I simply can not do it.

My feelings and character are hurt. I certainly did have this baggage ( at least not most of it and not this intense) until this extent.

I used to feel so kind-hearted and optimistic in general- but I don't know I feel like she's dumped her toxicity in my lap or at least on my good shoes... I need some major space from her or I'm going to break her confidence and heart and the new me doesn't want to do that but the hold me, which may have become the protective me, wants tears, heartache and revenge.

I feel like while I'm taking space I should fuck somebody else... But that's me being passive like her... I want to be around but I need a new life and start with her not in it - at least for a while. Yea, I have anger and aggression to let off.

I resent her for being so mean to me and flipping things on me.

I'm angry with myself because I was willing to bend for her.

She triggers the violent side of me...

She only cares for herself. She's been that way and know that she's going to therapy I'm disposed to be compliant.

I really do resent for being deceitful, manipulative, always to accuse, and always attempting to be controlling. You've been on a war path and you've damaged this relationship and parts of me in your own personal crossfire. You've brought a windstorm of unnecessary chaos into this relationship. I'm having a extremely hard time with giving you any part of me. I don't feel that you're deserving. Good for you that you've started to get some help but you been reeking havoc and raising hell for a while.

Let me clarify, not 100% of the time but in the high 80's for a while. This dynamic is sparked when you're upset, you lack understanding, feel threatened, resent your own choices, become angry with yourself for the choice that you've made, your personal disappointment, feelings of inadicuacy, etc. And you've been feeling a lot of these emotions for a WHILE so know that you've brought all that into the relationship wether you've realized it or not or think that you've been trying not to. This is how you've done it...

It happens frequently and that has me emotionally exhausting. This is also part of my underlined mental block in the bedroom which you started being passively controlling in that area a bit. I can't relax to cum because you're silently hostile with yourself because you feel disappointed with your weight and me (naturally) wanting sex reminds you of your disappointment with yourself and you began to secretly feel resentful towards me and indirectly punish me for wanting it. That is the same set-up/catch 22 as you telling me that I don't get you & I'm missing all the signs because I'm so self absorbed then when I ask how are you feeling today or what's wrong you lash out and tell me stop asking because it reminds you of what's wrong. And I respond by saying you're being confusing and are always ( appear) to be mad with me. That cycle as been eating away at my optimism.

I just want you to be aware and acknowledge that that's been hurting me and causing confusion. I don't want to punish you for being this way. I just want some TLC instead and for us move forward with our lives together.