Get away from everything & Everyone

Today was okay then Trina and I started texting and I started to feel rushed. Everyone woman that I've come in contact with today has had a fucking attitude. Are all women on their emotional periods? I really do hate to sound sexes but it's true. They are some emotional creatures. Man, I swear you better not have your own stress and if you do you better hide that shit because THEY WILL blame you. Women are complicated. I get why when are sometimes the way they are. I got my own stress. Who the duck is helping me carry my load. No one is checking on me to see if...
I'm tired. Maybe I should go to sleep early.

I'm stressed out but I haven't said one thing. I'm starting to resent myself for not taking care of me. If some money came to me right now I would take my laptop, cell phones, buy Reslin, food and snacks and go to a hotel that serves breakfast and just relax in the quietness. That's all I really want to do. I'd still do work but call it a day at 5pm.

Grocery List:
Sweet & Sour Shrimp tacos
Almond Butter cookies
Cheddar Cheese
Sparkling Water
4 Layer Dip
Rislin wine,
Frost Citrus Vodka
Cranberry Juice
M & M w/ peanuts
Spinach Dip
Chips
Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream
Croissant & fruit- strawberries, Pineapples, watermelon, bananas, and blueberries.
Baked Chocolate Chip cookies
Gallon of Water
Kettle Popcorn


Yeah that's all I would take with me. Ahhh well. I can always dream.

I feel so blah

I feel so blah today and I have so much to do. I wish things could be as simple as the say 'kiss and make up' but that isn't always the case... Is it ever the case in life? Ugh!

On the other hand I fell in love with a pair of shoes today... If I didn't know what it was like being raised poor and irresponsible I would totally trick off my money and buy them. One day in the near future I will have the options to buy almost anything I want- not that I will buy but the option to.

Shaking My Head

She drives me crazy but the truth remains that I love the fuck out of her. Trina is my baby. She is just as beautiful to me as the first day that I first saw her. I love you Katrina.

Mountain tops and robots

IDK. I've been feeling like affection is being rationed to me, from the way she kisses me to the times she says no to sex. This isn't a new feeling for me, I just don't say anything but why would I when she says things like, "what's wrong with you. Do you need sex. You must need sex!" in a way that makes me feel like I'm a kid that annoying their parent... That shit makes me feel rejected. It always has but I don't say anything because she is often stressed out and generally tense. I'm supportive and try to be extra supportive of her difficult attitude and try to ride with her high and lows.

Honestly, I do think she's less stimulated by me or maybe she takes me for granted. Before we started having sex she couldn't keep her hands off me and soon after we started having sex we would have sex a few times on the weekend. I don't want to program myself to be less affectionate or desensitize toward her. We would text sex and flirt with each other but now, who knows. Maybe she's comfortable...but I won't play the game of 'trying to figure out Trina' with myself. Sorry, i cant survive on sex once a week but I've been keeping a low sex profile with her. I'm not even mad. Being mad would only insure two things happening. In any case I'll just be cool and stay focused on my own activities. I have my own terms as well. If she had more sex- even with herself she wouldn't always be so damn tense. There's absolutely nothing wrong with me wanting sex. I feel like she withholds sex. I swear to the high heavens if I gave her exactly what she gave me she would think something is wrong. I already tested that theory and she kept asking if I was tired and what was wrong... I don't want to start with holding from her emotionally to feel like I'm getting back. In fact that exactly what i don't do because when i start to do that i lose complete interest and respect for the other person and ultimately i can kiss whatever dynamic (work, relationship, friends) goodbye. I KNOW ME. We are not at that point and i hope we never get there. Im frustrated but cant make me turn on the affection or sit on my face. Before I felt like she was into me and showed me genuine interest and flirted with me- and this is when she and I only say each other on the weekends and text during the week with minimal phone conversations...... Oh, wait! I still only see her on the weekends and we text. Oh. So what's the difference... Effort, affection and interest. I'm calling a Spade a Spade. Like I said, I'm not mad but I'm not and won't believe that im being needy, making everything about me, not being understanding. In any case the more i think about mull over it i can feel myself becoming irritated and i dont want to have those feelings in my chest today. So i choosing to keep cool about the situation and keep my focus. What will be, will be. I have a business to run.

Thighs, Chocolate and... (Sunday)

Last night was incredible. She was amazing

Ppl like me. You're sleep. (Sunday #2)

She had the cutest look on her face a few minutes ago. I wish she held that look forever.

I'm fascinated by two peoples attraction to each other. A think that's a incredible dynamic. I'm most attracted to her when she's being sweet, communicative and nurturing to me.

I find you most internally sexy when your guard is down. And I'm not talking about when we are having sexy... You're a incredibly beautiful woman. You're perhaps thee most attractive woman I've seen but your BEAUTiFyL when your guard is down and trusting me with your words. That's true beauty to me... When a woman trust herself enough to know that she doesn't need a guard. THAT'S the type of woman I want to give my full heart to. That's the kind of women that I would give myself to. That's the kind of woman that keeps my attention, love and affection. That is the kind of woman that I want as my wife.

I watch you when you're sleep and less defensive and I think, 'she looks so peaceful laying next to me. I wonder if her heart I at peace.' I always like to pretend that it is...

Can you let down your guard long enough for me to love the sore and tender parts of your heart?

Trust Me

You'd be wise to come see me today.

As a unit this isnt working. I dont get it. I cause stress. No problem. No problem at all. The reason I dont talk about shit is because it's NEVER a good time.

I would, I'm not

[verse 1]

I can be your beau in shining armor
if you would let me
And build you a mansion with my own hands
I will gladly slay the dragon for ya
But I no longer think I'm in your plans


I run into your walls hoping that you'd notice
But you seem to not have the time
I'll gladly be your Gladiator
It's more about your feelings and less about less than mine.


[chorus]

I'm standing here waiting
Hoping you find me before it's too late
If my love is all you need
I've remained quietly
But how long must I wait

I'm waiting, waiting, waiting
Hoping that you'll find me my love
I'm waiting, waiting, waiting
I'm standing here waiting for you to find me my love


[verse 2]

I can be your champion in battle
But you won't even return my calls
You'll gladly leave me stranded
But you're still the first person i'd call.

So I doctor my own wounds just to keep you close
just to feel your heart beat next to mine
I'll gladly be your gladiator
It's more about your feelings and less than mine

[chorus ]

I'm standing here waiting
Hoping you find me before it's too late
If my love is all you need
I've remained quietly
But how long must I wait

I'm waiting, waiting, waiting
Hoping that you'll find me my love
I'm waiting, waiting, waiting
I'm standing here waiting for you to find me my love


[Bridge]

What happened to the person I first met
So much passion and no regret
I would do anything for you
.
.
.
.

[chorus ]

I'm standing here waiting
Hoping you find me before it's too late
If my love is all you need
I've remained quietly
But how long must I wait

I'm waiting, waiting, waiting
Hoping that you'll find me my love
I'm waiting, waiting, waiting
I'm standing here waiting for you to find me my love

Waiting, maybe not, no more


(NMS, ASCAP)

River

So follow me

Follow me, I'll be your River, River
I'll do the running for ya

Follow me, I'll be your River, River
I'll move the mountains for ya

Follow me, I'll be your River, River
I'm here to keep you floating

Follow me, I'll be your River, River, River, River yea


If all you want are answers to your questions, and you can't seem to find no love for free
If you're looking for the right direction, then darling look for me

See I can make the load much lighter, I just need you to confide in me
but if you're too proud to follow Rivers, how are you ever going to find the sea?

-Emeli Sande

I had a pretty good Sept. 11th yesterday. I didn't do much work and made a big effort to be around people. It was great. It's how I'll spend the next 9/11.

Spank Her Pussy... Jackson

Go To The Mo

Lets go to the mo 4x
I get a little then I want a lot I get minute then I run The clock

See he be in it but barely hit ya spots so he don't get it now and Im
right up the block

So at this time make your excuses to leave cause you need ya boy
to put that fire out like right now

Know you can come what you been teasing gaurantee you
something bad now (bad now )thats right (thats right )

Cause all that talk has been foreplay all day (already baby)
I swear the touch of ya body
on me (on me) got me feeling like im the one girl We should go

lets go to the mo
Go
Lets go to the mo
Does he kiss you like that
Lets go to the mo
hit it like that
Lets go to the mo
We should ,WE SHOULD
lets go to the mo
Go
Lets go to the mo
Does he rub it like that
Lets go to the mo
Have you cumin like that

Its, its getting crowded in here I want that to myself I didn't plan
on putting my hands on nobody else
we should go,we should go ,go some where

We should GO ,we should go up these stairs so at this time make
your excuses to leave cause you need ya boy to put that fire out
like right now

Know you can come but you been teasing Guarantee you
something bad now bad now thats right (thats right)
Cause all that talk has been foreplay all day (all day) already baby
(Already baby)

I swear the touch of ya body on me got me feeling like im the one girl we should go

Lets go to the mo
Go
Lets go to the mo
Does he kiss you like that
Lets go to the mo
hit it like that
Lets go to the mo
We should we should
Lets go to the mo
Go
Lets go to the mo
Does he rub it like that
Lets go to the mo
Have you cumin like that,like that

Ohh when a nigga aint here ohh im here oh when a nigga cant hit
it Im here oh when a nigga aint shit Im here oh
Open up the door around 6 im here (im here)

Lets go to the mo
May we should maybe we should
Lets go to the mo
Room six nine yeah
have the the neighbors listening
Lets go to the mo

Go
Lets go to the mo
Does he kiss you like that
Lets go to the mo
hit it like that
Lets go to the mo
We should,we should go
Lets go to the mo
Go
Lets go to the mo
Does he rub it like that
Lets go to the mo
have you cumin like that

Lets go to the mo 3x
What
Lets go to the mo 3x
What

(Jeremih, Def Jam)

Very Strange

I can not handel him dying. I just can't. Just when I think I'm cool on death and that it's taken its rightful space then this shit happens. I'm not sure what to make of all this but I know that I don't want to hear "I'm over reacting, it's a normal part of life, or just deal with it." I'm concerned about him which makes me concerned about her. I guess I never thought about him being sick or dying. Mentally I've been so consumed with my mom dying, her health and trying to anticipate her death that other peoples death have etched more sadness and disbelieve on my heart and logic simply because I did not and haven't expected it.

It's funny how the universe will set shit up to fuck with you. MAN, is that girl loved!

Truth...

Truth...

I try too hard to keep the peace...
because: I know just how out of control I can be/get


Every since I saw my other side I've don't most of what Janine has suggested
because: I don't like that side of me.


I really do care
because: it's the right thing to do and I like seeing people happy


I really do try to help people because
because: I would want someone to help me if I needed


This glass is half empty
because: I'm tired of trying and I'm entitled to give up even if momentarily.


I'm getting close to stopping
because: the result I've been investing into I am not getting


I've pushed 92% of the ill thoughts I had out of my head... because: I care about you. I care about our dynamics. But: You're keeping up the same shit and: it is pushing me in the other direction. You've always tested me. I remained steady. You test me. I remain steady. You keep testing me and: I wont remain steady. I'm faithful in my heart. My chest hurts.
because: You fill in the blank.


I don't know.
because: because I am tired of know, thinking and keeping it together.


I just need some space.
because: I want space to act out and not be concerned for and about other people.



I need to me romanced. I need to be made love to.


I'm checking out . . . Here's my room key.

We should . . .Go to the Mo.

REAL WARNING #1...it should be #2

Both of these muthafuckas are high maintanace.  BOTH OF THEM! They can dish the shit out but can't handle my feedback. They trip part is that I've been very diplomatic about how I given my feedback. If I threw a tantrum the way they did they would lose their fucking minds. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT ANYONE SAYS, I do a GOOD JOB of NOT giving people a hard time and having attitudes. That number is LOW AS FUCK compared to yours. I'm just tired of constantly dealing with peoples attitude and feeling like I can't be honest about my emotions and feedback. ATTENTION PEOPLE THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO DEAL WITH AND KEEP ATTITUDES- people like me can only deal with so fucking much before we start acting out. That goes to K and L and any muthafucka randomly coming across this blog.

FUCK YALL. FUCK yall stankin' ass attitude. I can't stand diva attitudes.

The straw just broke the Camel's back.

As well mannered and as patient and tempered as we try to be know that I can be JUST AS fucked up and a SUPREME asshole. You see, people like me usually warn you assholes that were tired, frustrated and needing a break. And people like yall just keep going and going and going until we say something snappy. STOP pushing me to the verge of NO GIVING A FUCK! I can be hurtful. I'm trying to keep cool and this is probably

People like you think you're so amazing but are so above learning. You never think twice about your actions unless the other person is wounded. I'm going to stop myself RIGHT THE FUCK HERE... AND I DONT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU or you using my words against me. Kiss the bottom of my fucking shoes.

IM OUT THIS BITCH!

On average... Why in the fuck is she always so damn irritable? Goddamn. Maybe I'll start staying my distance and let her come around on her own.

I'm horny. When I want to really fuxk her pussy up she's never around or she is preoccupied. Flirt with me. Stroke my ego. Fuck me like your test is over. -THX

Blah! Whatever. At least my hopes were not up. I need to get back into the groove of my own fucking schedule.

Summary Hummary

I've neglecting my blog by choosing to write in her but she's currently mad because I expressed myself my truth- out of anger but I expressed myself now she's not talking to me. I FuCKiNG KNEW. I knew that blog was a fucking trap. I should make/request that she writes in a blog but I would get "oh I'm too busy. Your needy. I don't have time like you. I don't like to talk or write. Stop trying to make me like you". I'm certain I would get one of not three of those statements. I'll bet $5 on it.

I started to say that I would stop writing in blogs but maybe I should start a new blog and NOT tell her about it. The way she does internally. Whatever man. If she had been a woman of her word and NOT read my blogs the way she vowed to do we wouldn't be in this situation. But she went back on her word. She lied. She tried to act like she wasn't And wouldn't read my blog and that she wouldn't throw it up in my face but SHE DID. So who is wrong? I'm actually over the situation. I'm not all that upset anymore but the more I think about how she didn't keep her word and thinks it is ok the more upset I feel myself becoming.

Women always find a way to trap you. CATCH 22 like a muthafucka! She's not as bad as other women I've heard stories about but she is still a woman.

Since I'm being real YOU violated me. YOU didn't keep your word and then decided to make your own rule that it is okay to "read your blog when we only have big blOwout and we don't talk". What the hell makes you think that it's okay? I'll wait..............

The same way you make your own rules about this you make your own rules about when you're right and when your wrong; especially when you're wrong. But I'm labeled the defensive one. Kat, I'm not even mad just annoyed at how you get to trump and bend the rules whenever you want to The difference about being with me is that I see the shit and will call you on it even when you act like you don't know what I am talking about or that I'm the one with the issue. That is ultimately need to grow out of that shit but I'm working with it. Just know that I see how you blur the lines and rules. lol. You're so afraid of being wrong and being the bad person...maybe you should stop being a perfectionist and get a little dirty...be the bad person and be wrong. You act like I'm judging you or that the whole world is judging you... I think You are Judging you. Easier said than done but I'm certain you'll feel better about things. Be vulnerable in front of me. Let yourself go. Stop deflecting and accept.

In any case I make a pair of undies to pick out of my ass and food to eat.

I'm out!

Love u bunches.

-Me

Maaaaaaaan, fuck out of here with that bullshit. This nigga is a Queen. I'm a tad bit frustrated. Woosa!

Damn, my birthday is tomorrow. I hope my 30's are prosperous with HEALTH, wealth and a abundance of LOVE. #happyEarly30thbirthday to me.

I'd hate to lose you over your inability to communicate and my inability to understand you. I love you. I can be the 1st step taker all the time. Love me back.

A Truthful Bump In The Road (*updated on 8/14th)

"Be with someone
who won't stay mad at you,
who can't stand not talking to you,
and who's afraid of losing you."

This guy *points at self* is only trying to be involved and assert myself in your life
but you shut me up and shut me down with just about every chance you get. You make it clear that there is a line...

I don't feel appreciated or celebrated majority of the time.

I think you want another little sister that you have hierarchy and rank over and not a equal.

I feel like I'm never going to be on the right side of the war with you. You make pleasing you so difficult. Everything is so layered with you. I AM NOT A DIFFICULT PERSON and you know this. You are the difficult person and I still remain here and supportive of you. And you know I do. What I do ask is that you carry that with you and think to yourself. "I wonder how hard it is to deal with me? I wonder if she needs a break or what can I do to make her smile". It's like none of those statements cross your mind.

I have been feeling this way off-and-on since last April/May but feeling it strong underlined and unavoidable since October of last year when you said that you resented me. And yes you did apologized but the moment your pressed 'send' and I read your email you set that wheel in motion. Since then you've said a few things that led me to believe that you were growing and wanting to grow with me but these hiccups on the way set me back every time. We argue; you take you away from me.

You can be very short with me. You seem so quick to get upset with me. You're quick to say hurtful things. You're quick to tell me that you are annoyed by me. This is how someone talks to their dog or their annoying child. You're anger and frustration can be rambunctious, wild and sometimes feels malicious.

You have this way about you that I honestly feel like I'm not even worth your effort to change. You've even said that either someone deals with you the way you are or not at all.

If you can't hear the honesty in what I'm writing and non-combativeness of my words without becoming angry and upset then there is no need for you to keep reading this.

- -

I've also continued to feel like a damn fool.


I don't know that you love me the same way that I love you. I'm willing to risk for you. (Willing to risk who I think I am and how I usually deal with issues and temper myself for us). I'm willing to risk because of belief and hope. Belief and hope that you could actually be my better half- you could potentially be the person I share my life with. ...To have typed those things and to be honest about them with myself is NO easy matter even though I have said that to you, especially if you knew the old me with all of my emotional walls and charm. I could TOTALLY be wrong about you potentially being the woman for me and our relationship and it can blow up in my face but I hope I'm right about you. Remember when I whispered in your ear last year at my birthday party? I still feel the same about you Trina. But sometimes when things get like how they are now I think maybe it's starting to blow-up in my face but I continue trying to be here for you/us and hold your heart with the highest regard even when I feel disrespected by you when you're being difficulty, combativeness and neurotic.

I feel like instead of you trying to teach yourself and/or allowing yourself to lean on me, you fight with me. Do you really trust me? Do you trust me to lead you? You fight against me. I'm not combative. I'm easy going and a hard worker trying to push and teach myself to remain open- to lead in the relationship by a [emotional] example... and sometime I  fuck up and don't get it right but I constantly try. You said in a text last week that I'm a patient person most of the time... well this semi-patient person is tired and needing you to practice patients with me.

Truth is...I don't think that you like ME. I think that you may think I'm cute but I think that it stops there. I hear more of me being annoying, mean and rude more than you love me, appreciate me, miss me and love being with me. It's just like if Scott communicating and only opening up to you when you did something wrong in the lab verses saying 'you did a great job today. awesome week. We are making our goals'.

I'm not perfect but everything that you fuss at me about or bring to my attention or stay that I should be aware I really do try to learn from.


or maybe I'm not what and who you need in your life.

All the fighting and colliding is taking a toll on me. I'm not sure that I can do anymore than what I already am. I've tried being attentive, thoughtful, accommodating and yet (you may not have said it with your mouth) but with your actions say that I'm not enough for you or just not what you need. You need someone that knows that you have goals to meet. You need someone that's just going to accept you and not make you better or teach empathy by example. Maybe you need someone that's all of those things - more than I am.

What's at the root of your combativeness?

What's at the root of your aggressiveness?

What's at the root of your tension?

What's at the root of your not wanting to be wrong?

The person at the root of all those things is the person that I love. It's the young woman I saw at LACMA; the girl who's eyes took my breath away. You're innocence and beauty are one within the same. I've been tested by you and have done my best, not all the time but my level of effort has been pretty high a majority of the time.

If you honestly don't think I'm the one for you, please let me know and I'll step aside and won't cause you any more frustration or annoy you any longer. If you want me then show me. Communicate that to me. Let yourself go with me. Take a risk and let go whatever chip is on your should or causing blockage. I don't want to exploit you. I only want to love and protect you. You make me a better be and I don't want to be with anyone else but if you think you're better off without me I will let you find happiness. I just hope that they love you with to the depth that I do. Someone smarter than me said "Perfect love casts out fear"... I've been trying to be and show you that, however, I can't keep pleading with you for reciprocity and equal footing.

There's no truth other than what our hearts feel and what my mind is willing to understand. I love you Trina and I really don't want to be without you. Maybe there is a happy medium; maybe there isn't.

Love,

Me

My birthday is next week and I have no clue what to do. Once again... Any way. I won't waste my breath. We'll see.

The truth is...I need someone to lean on. I don't have anyone. I'm weary. I can't lean on her. I still see her as not being autonomous of her family. Weary.

Wait! Did I just say I got racially profiled and that I'm mad and she says "why are you mad. Because you go pulled over"?! Connect the fucking dots, yo, Goddamn

It would be great if she apologized, celebrated me and us (our relationship) w/ some alone time- a weekend w/ *intimacy and sex post test. *hangs head* ohwell.

I've been good thus far but my patience is running low. I've kept fairly cool and have dealt w/ more shit that I ever have before but I'm ready to cut up, yo!