A Truthful Bump In The Road (*updated on 8/14th)

"Be with someone
who won't stay mad at you,
who can't stand not talking to you,
and who's afraid of losing you."

This guy *points at self* is only trying to be involved and assert myself in your life
but you shut me up and shut me down with just about every chance you get. You make it clear that there is a line...

I don't feel appreciated or celebrated majority of the time.

I think you want another little sister that you have hierarchy and rank over and not a equal.

I feel like I'm never going to be on the right side of the war with you. You make pleasing you so difficult. Everything is so layered with you. I AM NOT A DIFFICULT PERSON and you know this. You are the difficult person and I still remain here and supportive of you. And you know I do. What I do ask is that you carry that with you and think to yourself. "I wonder how hard it is to deal with me? I wonder if she needs a break or what can I do to make her smile". It's like none of those statements cross your mind.

I have been feeling this way off-and-on since last April/May but feeling it strong underlined and unavoidable since October of last year when you said that you resented me. And yes you did apologized but the moment your pressed 'send' and I read your email you set that wheel in motion. Since then you've said a few things that led me to believe that you were growing and wanting to grow with me but these hiccups on the way set me back every time. We argue; you take you away from me.

You can be very short with me. You seem so quick to get upset with me. You're quick to say hurtful things. You're quick to tell me that you are annoyed by me. This is how someone talks to their dog or their annoying child. You're anger and frustration can be rambunctious, wild and sometimes feels malicious.

You have this way about you that I honestly feel like I'm not even worth your effort to change. You've even said that either someone deals with you the way you are or not at all.

If you can't hear the honesty in what I'm writing and non-combativeness of my words without becoming angry and upset then there is no need for you to keep reading this.

- -

I've also continued to feel like a damn fool.


I don't know that you love me the same way that I love you. I'm willing to risk for you. (Willing to risk who I think I am and how I usually deal with issues and temper myself for us). I'm willing to risk because of belief and hope. Belief and hope that you could actually be my better half- you could potentially be the person I share my life with. ...To have typed those things and to be honest about them with myself is NO easy matter even though I have said that to you, especially if you knew the old me with all of my emotional walls and charm. I could TOTALLY be wrong about you potentially being the woman for me and our relationship and it can blow up in my face but I hope I'm right about you. Remember when I whispered in your ear last year at my birthday party? I still feel the same about you Trina. But sometimes when things get like how they are now I think maybe it's starting to blow-up in my face but I continue trying to be here for you/us and hold your heart with the highest regard even when I feel disrespected by you when you're being difficulty, combativeness and neurotic.

I feel like instead of you trying to teach yourself and/or allowing yourself to lean on me, you fight with me. Do you really trust me? Do you trust me to lead you? You fight against me. I'm not combative. I'm easy going and a hard worker trying to push and teach myself to remain open- to lead in the relationship by a [emotional] example... and sometime I  fuck up and don't get it right but I constantly try. You said in a text last week that I'm a patient person most of the time... well this semi-patient person is tired and needing you to practice patients with me.

Truth is...I don't think that you like ME. I think that you may think I'm cute but I think that it stops there. I hear more of me being annoying, mean and rude more than you love me, appreciate me, miss me and love being with me. It's just like if Scott communicating and only opening up to you when you did something wrong in the lab verses saying 'you did a great job today. awesome week. We are making our goals'.

I'm not perfect but everything that you fuss at me about or bring to my attention or stay that I should be aware I really do try to learn from.


or maybe I'm not what and who you need in your life.

All the fighting and colliding is taking a toll on me. I'm not sure that I can do anymore than what I already am. I've tried being attentive, thoughtful, accommodating and yet (you may not have said it with your mouth) but with your actions say that I'm not enough for you or just not what you need. You need someone that knows that you have goals to meet. You need someone that's just going to accept you and not make you better or teach empathy by example. Maybe you need someone that's all of those things - more than I am.

What's at the root of your combativeness?

What's at the root of your aggressiveness?

What's at the root of your tension?

What's at the root of your not wanting to be wrong?

The person at the root of all those things is the person that I love. It's the young woman I saw at LACMA; the girl who's eyes took my breath away. You're innocence and beauty are one within the same. I've been tested by you and have done my best, not all the time but my level of effort has been pretty high a majority of the time.

If you honestly don't think I'm the one for you, please let me know and I'll step aside and won't cause you any more frustration or annoy you any longer. If you want me then show me. Communicate that to me. Let yourself go with me. Take a risk and let go whatever chip is on your should or causing blockage. I don't want to exploit you. I only want to love and protect you. You make me a better be and I don't want to be with anyone else but if you think you're better off without me I will let you find happiness. I just hope that they love you with to the depth that I do. Someone smarter than me said "Perfect love casts out fear"... I've been trying to be and show you that, however, I can't keep pleading with you for reciprocity and equal footing.

There's no truth other than what our hearts feel and what my mind is willing to understand. I love you Trina and I really don't want to be without you. Maybe there is a happy medium; maybe there isn't.

Love,

Me