Departure

Departure

Yesterday (early this moring) I had a conversation with a member of my family and it was suggested to me that I move back to California (sooner than what I planned) to take care of another member of my family that's currently battling Brain Cancer.

Shock filled my entire being. Although I asked my cousin her opinion of the situation and she honestly gave it me. I was still shocked. I went to sleep shortly after that conversation with my cousin and when I woke I couldn't shake feeling a deep sadness. I mean, please don't get me wrong I will move back to California to take care of my love one but I must be absolutely honest and give vent to m feelings as well.

When I even consider leaving/moving from Boston for any other reason than me being ready to move, I become inextricably sad. My heart rips and I immediately filled with feelings of anxiety, frustration, fright, and worry.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Maybe moving back before the time I wanted to won’t be so hard for me. Now I need to figure out how to move/ship my books, favorite chair, drum set. How do I accept that there’s a strong possibility that I will have to pack up move? How do I find closure? How do I cope with the sudden change? How do I say goodbye? Just how long do I have to terminate? How do I deal with my departure?

~Written by Nicole! aka LaSunset

December 10, 2006 @ 8:28 EST

Flooding

Flooding

(Who would have ever thought that the L Word would be the rock thrown at my emotional glass house? I know I sure didn’t.)

*Jagged little piece of glass cut my feet and I attempt to make my way through the rubbish.


With every piece of glass I'm reminded of my struggles.


I push and pull with no one but myself only to create a sphere of self-inflicted agony.


Circle the perimeter.


Survey the area.


Be careful not to hurt yourself.


That glass hurts like a bitch!

~Written by Nicole! aka LaSunset
December 6, 2006

Family Tied

Family Tied

"…I smoked, didn't take care of myself and now I have Cancer. And now you have to take care of me. You're mad at me…" (Grey Anatomy conjoined twins & throat Cancer)


I'm mad at her because she may not be here to watch me finish growing up, have kids, have "the talk", watch me graduate. I mad that there a possibility that I can once again my emotions into fully believing that she's going to be okay. I'm mad that I have to move back home to California before the time that I want to.

This is one of the times that…


I'm mad because I don't know that I can be strong enough to deal with this. My emotions are those of an elastic rubber band.

In the midnight then and only can I be silent. Silent enough to hear the thoughts, my thoughts, feel the feelings and doubt with nothing to distract me. I sleep little so that by being awake I miss nothing. I miss nothing because I am awake, alert and able to be distracted. My heart can be distracted from the questions that fill it and the pain that floods it.


I only allow myself to be fully aware of my emotions when my body allows me to cry, when I sob, or when I write because I can only write truth. I can only express my honest emotions. I'm at one with myself- completely when I write. I'm tied to my writing just as my emotions are tied to Cancer.

~ Written by Nicole! aka LaSunset
November 30, 2006
@ 10:10pm

Hooray Me!

Good Day,

It's finally official. I'm a blogger. I'm so excited. I'm such a pop-culture whore. Not quite but somewhere along those lines. [It's an OLD PIC] but I'm having fun in it.

~Nicole! AKA LaSunset