None of these. . .

...it is almost as if my life is saying to me, 'You can't dream. You can do anything other then what you are doing right now. Surviving'. I do not want to just survive. I want to LIVE and enjoy it. Currently, I don't enjoy me life, in fact I hate it. I mean that.

This morning my mother called me around 7am and told me that, she told me cousin and aunt to "leave. Move out." She did not give me any details and I did not ask either. Prior to her calling, I was excited that I was able to fall asleep before 3am for a change. Therefore, I was pretty okay but it was our conversation that immediately summonsed the stress and depression that I had gently tucked away with last nights sleeps.

Once I was off the phone with my mother, I immediately started looking for a third job/one full-time. Why, because I knew that with my aunt moving could only mean that I would have to hire a home nurse for my mother and that means more money out of my pocket. "Time check; 8:20." By 9:00am, I was ready for work but ended up going to my mothers to check on her and survey the situation... DAMAGE. (Nothing physical just verbal= Just as Bad.

The whole conversation just pissed me off and made me long for BOSTON with an unquenchable thirst. I HATE CALIFORNIA!

I want like hell to enjoy my life. To travel and read as many book as my brain can process. I want to blow my extra money on CYMBALS for my drum set, Nikes, new instruments, books, etc. not EXTRA bills. I want to go to TOKYO, BRAZIL, LONDON and not have to worry. I want to be happy but life’s circumstances tell me, "No. Not yet." I cannot even get over the death of my student or even figure out about having my car back...damn!


NONE OF THESE feelings helping me to NOT feel depresses.


Fuck, February is already a horrible month. Tomorrow, Valentines Day is my grandmother's birthday and her not being alive is sad enough.