Before New Orleans

I am really struggling... I should be happy that I'm leaving in just a couple days to go on my first ever vacation. I should be thrilled about to two HBCU bands battle. I spent my high school years chasing these two bands, watching their half-time field formations, memorizing their drumline cadences...but I'm not.


I'm actually extremely nervous and sad. I can't seem to stop crying long enough to enjoy the idea of going on vacation. I have so many feelings about this trips. The biggest being that this is the first time since I've moved back home to Los Angeles three years ago that I'm leaving my mom. I have driven 4 hours to Las Vegas but not leaving the time zone. Since my mom has been diagnosed with Cancer I have not left her side. When she's been hospitalized, I've been right there. When she's had a doctors appointment, I've been there. And in a couple of days I won't be here. No, I'm not leaving for more than five days but emotionally it feels like a month. Geesh!


My mom has so many questions that its causing me to become even more anxious and cry more.



This is a big trip for me. This feels big. This feels like the start of me cutting the cord to my mom and my need to always be there. I'm sure that there is a part of me that's happy about being in a different space, but there is a part of me that's feeling guilty for leaving, not choosing to say here and wanting to LIVE my own life again.

I guess another way of saying this is that I have, in my own way, have become dependent upon her sickness to live. Its been the reason that I've lived and now I can feel my inner self, for whatever reason, wanting to grow new skin and live my life again, the way I did before I moved back to Los Angeles.

I guess I will just have to go along on this ride and see how this turns out.



Shhhh, no one really knows that I'm struggling with this. Before I leave for NOLA.



Nms
(Pre-edits)