This Is Where My Heart Is

I feel sick. I feel like I need to throw up. This feeling has nothing to do with me feeling anxious about our Anniversary, I think. I feel blah. I should be happy tho. Maybe I feel how she does or comes off about things that matter to me. I have case of the 'Whatever'. Whatever + Anxiety =A Bad combo.

I would really like to run away and play good music and rock out until I'm in a different mood. If people feel this way or worse before they get married, then I could understand how they could get cold feet and back out. I feel sick. I WAS totally excited about the plans I made prior to me talking to her about them this past Sunday. I did NOT become anxious until I spoke to her again about it. She forgot. I would have liked to be surprise that she forgot but I wasn't.

When people don't show themselves consistent but expect consistency from me, I have a VERY DIFFICULT time understanding them and me trying to understand them seems to result in me being blamed for any conflicting issues that arise- because I'm "too much" of this or that. NO MUTHAFUCKA, I'm trying to figure out YOUR FUCK-SHIT ways then I become the one that has to constantly prove & defend myself. After doing this for a while I then become tired. After feeling tired I become exhausted. After exhaustion, I move on. If the other party involved doesn't verbally communicate with me (and not just when they are angry) my process of exhaustion is sped up.

I just didn't wake up and start feeling this way. I didn't chose one or two singular events and decide to feel the way that I do.

So, with it being our Anni weekend plus her forgetting, which I equate to 'I Don't Give A Fuck', I'm no longer excited but I am anticipating us arguing and her being bitchy and telling me I'm ungrateful of her time & energy that she bent over backwards to grace me with.


Oddly enough I could see me one day maybe seriously considering (in my mind) marriage with her, but not with the passive-blaming-i will do what the fuck I want- because-your-shit-doesn't-really-take-priority-or-have-any-real-significance-unless-i-deem-it-so type attitude. Oh FUKK NO. If I'm wrong then show & communicate it to me. If not, shut the fuck up. :::CONFESSiON::: I have a real concern that I will have to CHECK her and I mean IN a REAL serious way. I hope she's willing to and actually starts showing signs of change, because I can only try and deal with so much. I don't want to become that way with her but...

I feel a little better.

I give when people don't deserve it and have not earned it. This is the last time.


3-8-2012
8:46pm