3:47an

I wake up from a dream that I'm prepping and helping a with the run of show for her wedding. The final run-through has been ran and we were ready for the big-one. As were are running the actual run-through I see my friend's face. It's Sharon (film) and her face has a look of 'No. This wedding is not happening' but I continue on until she say 'stop'. She says Stop. She made it seem/or I had the feeling the wedding was stopped because of the attendance level and because the students that were there were misbehaving. That was my perception of it. Sharon said she wanted to speak with me. We walked to a confidential room and she told me that she really thought the woman she was with was the one and she really loved her but she found out that the woman she was with was cheating on her and I think it was with a man, I believe but can't remember now that I'm woke @ 3:47am.

I woke. I pick up and look at my phone. Notifications for my Facebook, email and text are flashing. I'm thinking maybe it's Katrina or Katortor's crazy ass texting me one of those 'things people say' video links. It's Courtney, my more recent ex. Sent at 12:41 that says 'Hi'. I didn't respond because it's too late to text another woman that's not a friend- and not a friend having a emergency, an Ex and me as someone that's in a relationship. Katrina would break my neck. But also more than that what makes me and continues to make me into a better husband/hersband is me holding my self accountable when Katrina isn't around- which ultimately matters more than Katrina breaking my neck.

Oddly enough I've been wanting to reach-out to Courtney especially since the acting award season was just here with all the excitement around Viola Davis. Courtney loved/s (maybe, almost sure) her as an actress. Courtney also shared with me her idea for a movie- and her having nothing to do with being my Ex- had a REALLY good script idea that, in my honest opinion, would propel black films in the Oscar world. I've been wanting to reacxhout to her, after getting the 'Okay' from Katrina but with my Ex before Courtney popping up (as I call it) I didn't want Katrina to get the wrong message or it plant any seeds, so I just held it in and said nothing. It's been over a month.

Maybe I should have but Katrina loves telling me that I make everything about me, I'm selfish and arrogant so I've said nothing.
I don't have very many Ex's especially here in L.A. And I also don't/didnt want to be friends with my ex's because it was just too odd. However, my idea around that has changed some. I wouldn't want to hang out and be buddy-buddy with an Ex but me not having tension/animosity or having avoidance feelings toward them. In my mind that's me being friendly towards them. Not having any blockage. Example, I reached out to MW and we exchanged a few emails after not having talked in over 3 years. The anxiety I felt around that is gone. I'm able to just be, now. That situation has no barring on my heart/ meaning it can't currently affect or hinder me. I'd like the same with C.

I will respond at a more appropiate hour. Or maybe I shouldn't. I did tell her almost 8/9 months ago that I would reach out to her when I'm ready and then wasn't the time.

Anyway- after seeing that text made some things fuzzy. I changed my phone's wallpaper to a picture of Kat & Jack. That picture always makes me feel like I have people depending on me, expecting me to be there for them and expecting to love them and keep them first. That picture honestly makes me feel the cloest thing to my own family that I've ever felt before. It's like being on the road and tempted and the picture of your family helps draw you back in and focuses you. That's what that picture does for me when I need external help. My 1 year anniversary is also coming up this weekend.

In any case...it's now 5am. I gotta pee and am going back to sleep.

-me