The Murder

The Murder


Tonight was unbelievable. On the other hand, maybe it was just Brandon. I cry tears but all I feel is rage, anger and disbelief. I now believe that I can turn on a friend at drop of a dime, not that I am easily led to anger because I am not. I see that it is in those moments that friends do not respect my boundaries after I have had to set the same limit several times that I turn. This turning that I am talking about has to do with my emotional change healthy and positive turning into rage, anger and disbelief. I have not had to experience this turn that I speak of often and when it happens and I have had time to think about the loss associated with the person (and usually incident) I feel loss and that makes me sad.


Right now, I feel sad. Right now, there are still pieces of me that are triggered in the most primitive of ways. Right now, I can still feel anger, rage and disbelief that her would act in such a way that my logic and reasoning would give me the opportunity to consciously choose to move from one set of emotions to another; one that isn't of good nature at all.
The rage that is tucked away in my heart and mind reacts in such a way that reassures me that it needs to get out and express itself. Tonight was no different. Tonight's events are the ones that cause accidental murder. Accidental murder? Yes, accidental murder. Let me explain—when you are trying to defend yourself against by any means and someone is trying to hurt and or attack. I am speaking of ones actions of self-defense but the intent is not to attack or kill. It is when you have been pushed too far and you automatically switch into defense mode and allow the 'chips-fall-where-they-may' style.


At this moment it is my belief that murder (and not just in the literal sense of the word) comes in into play when the 'switching' of emotions happens. The visual that comes to mind is; having two bags that need oxygen to stay inflated. Then an incident happens that causes you cut off oxygen from one of the bags. I believe it is in that moment that murder, the murder takes place. (Do you get what I am saying? The act of having to switch/turning of one emotion…)


Written by Nicole! (me)
January 4, 2007 @ 1:54am PST.